Psychoanalytically oriented psychologists are sure that our relationship with anger comes from childhood. All adults were once small, they experienced anger and somehow learned to cope with it, and then ... However, let's take it in order.
Why do we all experience anger, what will happen if it is not expressed, and how we can deal with it - we understand the article based on the materials of Natalia Presler's lecture
How can you help yourself deal with anger?
Where does anger come from
To fight a tiger or a mammoth, you need to get really angry. Initially, anger was given to man so that he could get angry, go hunting and feed himself, and maybe conquer the world. Anger is the force that motivates a person to act. Now we don’t see mammoths on the streets, but we communicate with other people every day. And we continue to be angry. So where does it come from?
The first reason is exhaustion.
When the body lacks resources, a person rises in search of them and at the same time tries to save himself by driving away all potential competitors. So anger can easily be caused by lack of sleep, pain, even poor nutrition. In adults, an imbalance of fat in the body increases irritability, and in children, a large amount of sugar increases excitability.
The second reason is the frustration of the need to be accepted.
When a person feels that there is no place for his interests, his opinions in the family or at work, that he lacks support and love, he accumulates aggression. Most often, such situations arise with people who do not know how to express it; we will talk about them below.
The third reason is a lack of understanding of why the other person behaves the way they do.
Why is your partner being rude whenever you try to find out where he is right now? Why does a five-year-old child not sit quietly in the theater, but throw his arms and legs at his neighbor? An adult believes that his partner is just nervous, and the child does not respect other people's boundaries.
In fact, it may turn out that the partner had a controlling mother and he still perceives questions as a violation of his freedom, and the emotionally immature child is so carried away by the performance that he cannot control himself.
The fourth reason is the need for protection.
When a child screams in the street and the mother cannot do anything, she becomes angry. First of all - that she is losing control, and everyone sees it. Protection may be needed from pain, sadness, disappointment - in general, from all difficult emotions that threaten psychological security.
The fifth cause of anger is a threat to self-esteem.
Sometimes a feeling of guilt arises because of the behavior of a loved one. “I am a bad mother” if the child screams and falls, if he is silent and plays the tablet, if he eats a lot, if he eats little ... This situation makes you try to be good all the time and do everything right. It is especially difficult for perfectionists, that is, those who have the “be good” attitude arose in childhood in response to parental requirements. The result is repressed aggression, more guilt and more anger.
Why do we not remember our childhood feelings
Psychoanalytically oriented psychologists are sure: our relationship with anger comes from childhood. All adults were once small, they experienced anger and somehow learned to cope with it, and then ... However, let's take it in order.
Imagine that a baby is born. He is surrounded by love, care and is in symbiosis with his mother. The first six months - this is the state when he actually considers his mother as his continuation. A very close bond is necessary for the infant to survive.
Having matured a little, the child is still convinced that the mother exists only to feed, warm, entertain. But is it? Of course not. Over time, the needs of the mother, who needs to go to the toilet, wash her hair, go to the store, and sometimes just sit with a cup of tea, become more and more pronounced. Sometimes a mother is not ready to give her child love and care because she is tired, and this is completely normal.
Alas, at this point the child is frustrated. He feels that his needs are not being met in the way he used to and becomes angry. At the peak of experiences, the child realizes the presence of a third and understands: the mother is actually not his, but her own and father's. The baby is hard going through the impossibility of being with the mother entirely. This anger often goes unexpressed because "angry is bad."
The reverse situation also happens, but it also generates anger. If the family revolves around the child, he feels incredibly important and very sick at the same time, that is, incapable of taking care of themselves, inept, one that must be monitored, controlled, and helped all the time. Aggression also arises in this situation.
All this happens between the ages of 4 and 6. Then the child has fantasies and fears: a monster hides under the bed, witches fly outside the window, the darkness is just waiting to pounce from behind the closet door... During this period, the child may begin to masturbate to cope with anxiety, or become aggressive in kindergarten.
All his activity is aimed at coping with emotions.. This is quite difficult, and as a result, children's feelings are forced out into a symbolic "basement", placed under lock and key by the psyche. And this means that in most cases the child ceases to remember them: childhood amnesia sets in.
And now a person grows up, builds a family, he has his own children - and his own feelings are still repressed, forgotten. However, it is with them that both he and his partner have to deal.
"Red Buttons"
There are situations from which an adult explodes. The reaction is not always adequate to the situation - the one who caused the outburst of anger thinks to himself: “What did I say? ..” In fact, he, without knowing it, pressed the "red button". Each person has his own content of these buttons, but globally they are divided into two types.
1. Last straw
Suppose a mother gives all her time to her child. She plays with full devotion, eats dinner in five minutes, does not close the door to the toilet, hardly sleeps ... Or, on the contrary, she spends 10 hours a day at work, barely has time to play with her child in the evening, and also cooks soup, cleans the floor, reads a book on how to communicate with a child ...
And finally, the husband says something about an unwashed plate. Can you imagine the reaction? Explosion! The problem, of course, is not in the plate. When a person holds back emotions for too long, anything can be the last straw.
What to do with it:
2. Sore callus
Let's say a person had a father who tracks all his childhood l, at what time the child came home, controlled whether the light in the bathroom was turned off, whether the closet was tidied up, whether the dishes were washed. Or the mother constantly read the diary, intervened in relationships with peers, aggressively invaded life. Or already in adulthood, the previous partner terrorized with calls. Therefore, past experience can be included in new relationships.
“Listen, maybe you should leave the meeting earlier than the rest, because you will be walking down a dark street?” the partner asks. "What are you telling me? Why should I always do everything as you said? - there is a sudden explosion.
The red button can be an emotionally charged experience from any period of life when a person experienced and suppressed anger.
What to do with it: not to sacrifice everything for the sake of one area of life, but to do exactly as much as it turns out; track irritation and fatigue at the very beginning; talk about it to relatives and carry out prevention (“make children a happy mother”) until the glass is overflowing.
Ladder of Anger
Both an adult and a child can find themselves in a situation where sparks are already flying, a scream or even a fight begins. Sometimes it is not clear how a calm situation turned into this one.
What's happening? Anger does not manifest immediately, but goes through several stages before reaching a peak. This can be represented as a ladder. It all starts in the zone of emotional comfort, where it is calm and nothing disturbs. This is a different situation for every person.
The next step is irritation. Someone said something wrong, did something wrong, everything does not go according to plan - and the person begins to boil. In this state, you can still think and understand what caused the irritation. Here it is important to notice the first notes of irritation before they develop into uncontrolled aggression.
At the last stage there is an emotional explosion. There is no control in it: a person is no longer aware of what is happening to him, cannot analyze his behavior, does not want to stop and “turns on” himself.
Remember the slogan:Is it better to prevent a fire than to put it out? When you are already at the last step, only the automatic mechanism for getting out of the current situation will work. For example, run out of the room shouting: "That's it, I can't take it anymore" - and take a breath.
But this does not solve the problem globally. Therefore, we recommend that you develop a mechanism for how to deal with irritation at the previous stage, and then you simply will not reach the peak of uncontrollable anger.
What happens if you don't express anger
Have you ever met people who have difficulty expressing anger?
The problem is that this emotion still arises, but it is expressed inadequately: it either blows up a person inconsistently with the situation, or hides and makes itself felt in the form of passive aggression
Unfortunately, this is a very common story: in our culture, the open expression of strong emotions is taboo, we are taught from childhood not to be angry. People who do not know how to be angry, as a rule, are captivated by their childhood conflicts. They cannot talk about their needs and adequately defend their position, they are internally irritated with themselves and others that they do not succeed.
Sometimes they don't even realize that they feel anger and can't do anything about it. The problem is that this emotion still arises, but it is expressed inadequately: it either blows up a person inconsistently with the situation, or hides and makes itself felt in the form of passive aggression.
Let's say a person gets a job. At first, he shows himself well, but over time, he begins to sabotage everything. And his boss is a fool, and the tasks are not up to his standards, and his colleagues do everything wrong. As a result, a person is fired or he leaves himself, and the cycle begins anew.
At the same time, he can become a domestic tyrant: find fault with the fact that the dishes are not washed, the slippers are not right, the child is naughty. Emotional and physical rejection between spouses (unwillingness to talk, listen, make love) also speaks of passive aggression. In children, it can manifest itself through poor grades or refusal to eat, that is, neglect of what is important to parents.
What's happening? A person cannot express his anger directly, so he begins to do things that will anger others and lead to a breakdown in relationships.
If you see a person who constantly blames others, believes that everyone around is fools, this is a person with suppressed anger. As a child, he was not allowed to be angry, especially at his parents, and he unconsciously “acts out” in adulthood.
It is worth remembering that anger is an emotion, it will arise in any case. And it depends only on us how it will be expressed in behavior and how it will affect our relationships with others.
How to help yourself deal with anger
It is already clear that it is necessary to express anger, and it is preferable to do it constructively. Such a skill improves life, makes a person a more integral personality and allows you to build harmonious relationships with others. So how can you help yourself deal with anger?
1. Learn to recognize irritation in yourself before it turns into anger
First, before looking for the underlying psychosomatic causes of irritation and anger, we recommend that you check your hormones, assess the state of your body and calculate how many hours a day you sleep. Remember that the first cause of anger is the exhaustion of the body. Allow yourself to rest, arrange a "detox" from the daily routine, arrange with family members to help you with this.
Second, analyze past experience. What makes you angry and angry? If you have already found your pain points, try to notice them in different situations.
2. Allow yourself to feel
Despite children's attitudes, there are no good and bad emotions. Feeling and expressing is normal. Moreover, anger, resentment, sadness and anger are due to the characteristics of the human body.
If you completely deny negative emotions and try to pretend that you have a solid positive, problems ensue. As soon as you admit to yourself what you are really experiencing, and allow yourself to be with it, the feeling of guilt will go away. This means that anger will not accumulate, risking breaking through at the most unfortunate moment.
It is important to convey to children the right to feelings. They understand how much parents allow themselves and others to express emotions, even if they have never been told about it. Access to anger must be open: if an adult learns this first, then a child can follow him.
3. Take responsibility
Of course, your relationship with anger was formed in childhood, in the parental family. T when you were not yet able to deal with difficult emotions. But now you are an adult and you can take matters into your own hands. Admit it to yourself: you are not irritated and angry because someone else is bad and does everything wrong. You experience this emotion because you yourself wanted it.
It is important and necessary to investigate the reasons, but this is not a reason to tell relatives:"Tolerate my unconstructive anger until I deal with it." As an adult, you yourself build relationships with others and with yourself.
By accepting this responsibility, you get the opportunity to talk about yourself, about your feelings. Not “you are not a good person, not paying attention to me and the child”, but “I feel lonely if I don’t spend enough time with you.” The second option sounds different, right?
Do not accumulate anger in yourself. You are responsible for expressing it while maintaining the relationship.
4. Speak in words
When people first enter into a relationship, they rub against each other, including at home. At this point, it is important to find out and talk about your pain points that you already know about. As we get to know each other, there will be more and more discoveries, and it is important not to forget to discuss them constructively.
How do you feel about dirty dishes? Here I am - it's normal, I can have it in the sink for two days.
- And I, if I see one dirty spoon, get very annoyed.
- I like to sleep by the wall, can I sleep there all the time?
- No, I also like to sleep against the wall, let's alternate.
- It annoys me that you throw your socks at the entrance to the house. Why are you doing like that?
- I have long had such a habit not to forget how many clean ones are left. Is there anything we can do to not annoy you?
- And what if you put a basket with a lid in the corridor, where you will put your socks, but I will not see them?
Without such dialogues, irritation will accumulate like a snowball, and eventually result in a family scandal. So we recommend taking measures in advance and agreeing with each other, but not blaming, but first of all talking about yourself.
By the way, a parent can talk about his anger to children. True, it is important not to do this too often and take into account age. If the child is overloaded with his feelings, he may consider himself responsible for the mood and condition of the parent.
5. Arrange emotional release
Run, squat, close yourself in a room and paint a sheet of paper with force, beat a pillow, shout in the forest ... Any activity associated with the body helps to express aggression. In the long run, rest often and change activities.
6. Give yourself first aid when you're angry
When a person is in a serious condition, it is important for him to connect his body, emotions and thoughts. E It helps to pull myself together and start behaving constructively.
Ask yourself the question: “What do I feel in my body?” Answer it: trembling in the fingertips, heartbeat, etc. Concentrate on this.
The next question is: “What are my emotions?” I am angry, offended, annoyed, my self-esteem is hurt ... Track the emotion, name it.
The last question: "What do I think?" For example, I think that the situation is terrible, that I constantly get here, this is the 15th time that I explode this week.
By answering all questions, you will connect the body, emotions and thoughts. Despite the fact that nothing seems to have changed, you as a person will come to a balance from which it is easier to take other actions. For example, talk.
7. Help a loved one who can't handle their anger
One child once asked: “Why can daddy yell at us, but I can’t?” If you understand that reproaches and ignoring only aggravate the situation, it's time to help loved ones.
For a partner who came home from work and started yelling at a child, you can, for example, say:
I see you're tired and that's why you break down. You find it hard to bear imperfection, that the dishes are not clean enough, or that the child is not well-behaved.
This should be said without irony, but sincerely, trying to understand how difficult it is for a person. For a child observing the situation, this option will also serve as a good example. And your partner may not be able to verbalize their anger right away, but they will feel better.
8. Admit your mistakes
What to do if you broke down, got angry at the child, and then feel guilty? Honestly ask for forgiveness:
Forgive me. Sometimes I can’t control my emotions, I don’t want to do this, it’s unpleasant for me, and you are not worthy of such treatment. No one deserves to be yelled at, I ask your forgiveness.
This is a very valuable experience for a child, unless, of course, you repeat the apology five times a day. It is good because, firstly, the child sees: the parent is not God, he can make mistakes, which means that the child does not have to be perfect. Secondly, there is an understanding: a person can correct a mistake, apologize and improve relations. Thirdly, the child understands that the relationship with him is significant for the parent, his feelings are important, and he is ready for dialogue.
By the way, this scheme also works with a partner.
9. Go to psychotherapy
As a rule, you play emotionally difficult situations from childhood in a circle: find partners who are similar to your parents, change some authoritarian bosses for others, etc. You do it to deal with an old problem like an adult, but you use the old ways.- and it fails again. Psychotherapy helps to get to the bottom of frustrated emotions and develop new mechanisms that will help get out of the vicious circle.
Summarizing
There are no good and bad emotions. Each of them has a specific function, including anger. Healthy aggression helps protect yourself and defend your interests, while unhealthy aggression destroys relationships.
Our way of dealing with anger begins in childhood, when we don't yet know how to deal with difficult emotions. Many adults then go around in circles, repeating scenarios of communication with parents at home and at work, and try to replay past experiences. The benefit of being an adult is that we can consciously learn to express anger constructively and teach our children to do so.
As much as we would like to be “positive” all the time, anger sometimes arises and needs to be expressed. Unexpressed anger accumulates and turns into passive aggression.
Each of us has our own "red buttons" that cause outbursts of anger. If you explore them and discuss with loved ones, you can avoid emotional outbursts.
Due to childhood amnesia, adults do not remember being angry when they were young and do not recognize the prohibition on anger, if any. For some, these feelings are still too complex. Psychotherapy helps to understand them.published.
Prepared by Maria Krasheninnikova-Khait based on the lecture “When parents are angry” by a practicing psychologist and psychotherapist Natalia Presler, especially for the “Learning Environment”
If you have any questions, ask them
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Human anger is a negative emotional outburst, which is a harbinger of aggression. It is capable of literally bursting a person from the inside. Strong anger is often characterized by negative emotions with a flow of destructive energy, marked by a disabling of the ability to analyze actions. The sudden manifestation of such behavior in an individual causes bewilderment in the people around him, as well as anxiety in the person himself.
Anger is an emotion, often of an aggressive nature, directed towards something or someone with the aim of destroying, suppressing, subjugating (often inanimate objects). Often the reaction of this negative emotion is short-lived. During an emotional outburst in a person, the muscles of the face tense up; the body becomes like a stretched string; teeth and fists clenched, face begins to burn; there is a feeling that something inside is “boiling”, while there is no control over the mind.
Reasons for anger
Anger is a basic human emotion that was originally necessary for the individual to survive. However, due to the development of society, the need to express their negative emotions gradually decreased, and humanity has not been able to completely get rid of anger. Unfortunately, in today's world, people still continue to create artificial troubles for themselves that encourage them to express this kind of dissatisfaction.
The cause of strong anger is often the one that accumulates due to various circumstances. Even an elementary trifle can often lead to this negative emotion, or, which can also be the cause of this emotion.
Anger refers to a state of both physiological and psychological. In principle, its manifestation is attributed to the normal reaction of the individual's psyche to an external stimulus. It is accompanied by an increase in heart rate, pallor or redness of the skin due to the production of a huge amount of energy by the body, which needs to be put somewhere.
There are no such people who never experience negative emotions and are always in a balanced state. Anything can throw you off balance: traffic jams, an unfair boss, childish pranks, bad weather, etc.
Anger management
Negative emotion occurs when a situation develops when something does not suit a person and there is a feeling that this can be dealt with.
Anger builds up to a certain point, after which there is either a decline to calm down, or a sharp upward jump, manifested in fits of rage. There is such a stable expression - "choked with anger." This condition is characterized by nerve compression, shortness of breath. Negative emotional outbursts during this state are always marked by a desire for physical activity: to crush, fight, run, jump, clench your hands into fists, break. At the moment of strong anger in a person, a bursting wave of indignation caused by an emotional outburst of discontent rises from the pelvis upwards, while reaching the chest. Such a condition will be characterized by a hoarse, choked voice, a feeling of constriction in the chest, coughing.
To the emergence of instant anger, which is beyond the control of a person, people are natural and not reprehensible, but the actions that are performed under the influence of this emotion are already condemned.
It can be almost impossible to manage anger in moments of aggression, since a person, being in a state, often does not understand what he is doing. At this time, it will be better if there is no one next to such an individual, since a person in aggression with a clouded mind is a danger and can harm and even cripple the people around him.
Anger and aggression often do not last long and are of a short duration. An individual in this state quickly "boils" and also quickly "extinguishes".
It is believed that if the emotion of anger is caused by a sense of justice at the time of a criminal act, then this is commendable. In other cases, negative emotion is condemned and people are advised to be more restrained and show long-suffering.
There are interesting facts about this emotion. Men's anger is perceived as a manifestation of strength, and women's similar behavior is treated as irrationality and weakness.
Anger and rage are among the most dangerous emotional outbursts. When a person experiences these emotions, he often deliberately harms other people, often losing control of himself, so the skillful management of anger and rage should be the primary task of individuals when negative emotions arise.
Adult personalities are often characterized by how they are able to cope with their indignation and give them such definitions: hot, reserved, explosive, cold-blooded, quick-tempered.
Manifestations of anger are marked by specific expressions of facial expressions:
- bare teeth, open mouth high on inspiration;
- drawn, lowered eyebrows;
- dilated eyes and focused attention on the object of aggression;
- horizontal wrinkles on the bridge of the nose;
- expansion of the wings of the nose.
How to deal with anger
To learn how to cope with anger, you should understand the cause of its occurrence and master effective techniques for removing aggressive behavior.
Anger is not the best human emotion, which always has a harbinger. There are several ways to protect yourself from sudden outbursts of emotional outbursts so as not to harm others. A person must learn to listen to himself and feel those moments when it is necessary to avoid sudden outbursts of negative emotion. It can be poor health, depressive mood, irritability. For example, an individual, talking with a person, feels how everything inside him begins to boil. This means the approach of anger, namely the violation of psychological balance, so it is immediately necessary to assess the true cause of this emotion. Further, for maximum calm, you need to close your eyes for a while, trying to abstract from the outside world and begin to control your breathing by taking a deep and then slow breath.
How to deal with anger? There is an opinion that it is harmful for a person to restrain negative emotions in himself and it is better to get rid of them. In fact, it is not. Scientists have proved the following fact: the disruption of negative emotions in the immediate environment is akin to a drug and they give great pleasure to the aggressor. Frequent breakdowns of an individual in a close environment make him want to do it with a certain frequency. Over time, the individual is no longer able to notice that he unconsciously creates situations in which he falls into anger. Noticing such a feature, ordinary people begin to avoid a scandalous person, and he, in turn, finds the same unbalanced and adoring such outbursts.
So how do you control anger? During the approach of negative emotions, you can go to the mirror and see which muscles are tensing. In a state of calm, you need to learn how to control the facial muscles: strain and relax them. When another flash of negative emotion occurs, the facial muscles should be relaxed.
How to get rid of anger? Bouts of anger are recommended to be eliminated by switching attention to something pleasant or distracting. It is necessary to mentally transport yourself to those places where you can be replenished with positive energy, and immediately transfer unpleasant conversations to neutral topics.
If an individual follows his emotions and does not fight with emotional outbursts, then in the future there is a risk of developing acute diseases of the cardiovascular system. This should be considered, as scientists have found a direct link between the occurrence of stroke and myocardial infarction after suffering an emotional outburst within 48 hours in people with acute coronary occlusion (blockage of the heart arteries).
The reason lies in the fact that periodically the arteries are attacked by stress hormones and experience pathological changes that lead to serious diseases. To avoid possible irreversible consequences, experts recommend carefully monitoring your nervous system and, if necessary, urgently seek help from doctors. 
The energy of anger the strongest of all the emotional energies available to man. That is why its active manifestation causes fear and is under tacit ban in our society. From an early age, we are instilled with the idea of the inadmissibility of expressing and even feeling the slightest hint of anger. Moreover, we try in every way to avoid even using the word "anger" in relation to our feelings. We say: “I am annoyed”, “I am angry”, “I am offended”. At the same time, hardly anyone will say: "I am angry." Anger in the mass consciousness turned into something forbidden, it is allowed only when righteous. If I am angry, it means that I have lost control of myself and have poor control over myself, this is the idea that our society instills.
However, this is just the name of an emotion; anger is no different from our other emotions in this sense. But the attitude towards this name quite clearly shows the attitude towards anger in general.
In Eastern philosophy, anger is considered a manifestation of energy. wind. And this makes sense, because a person overcome with anger can act as quickly, strongly and recklessly as never before. Anger comes like a hurricane: a second ago it was not there, and now you are already captured by it. He always requires expression, not important, word or action.
Any anger, no matter how we call it and for whatever reason it arises, is always consequence our desires or . When we are frightened, aggression is a form protection Because the best defense is an attack. A very part of the basis of chronic aggressive behavior in both men and women is an attempt to hide themselves and their boundless feeling from those around them. By constantly lashing out at others and giving them threat signals, such people seem to create a safe space around themselves.
Another cause of anger is desires that we cannot satisfy as soon as they arise. Whatever hinders the achievement of the desired, whatever reason comes between us and the object of desire, we will be angry at this reason. The impossibility of realizing a desire at a given moment in time gives rise to anger, as means to get what you want. Anger gives us the energy to try to get what we want. The more unfulfilled desires a person has, the easier and faster he falls into anger even at the slightest provocation.
It is important to remember that this emotion accompanies either desire or fear, on its own it does not exist. Whether we like it or not, anger cannot exist independently - it always a consequence. Even if it seems to you that you are slightly annoyed for no reason, just because you are tired, believe me: the reason for your irritation lies in the fact that during the day one of your desires did not receive its realization.
The ban on the expression of anger leads to the fact that, being suppressed, it does not disappear, but, on the contrary, accumulates in our psyche and body. Just as in the case with, an excess of anger inside leads to the fact that anger will be the first reaction to any news or event, and after a while feelings more adequate to what happened come. Any dominant emotion will paint everything in a person's life in its own color. It will be the filter through which you perceive the surrounding reality. Accordingly, a frightened person will seek safety, and an aggressive person will fight with everyone: both with people and with circumstances. It is anger that will influence his behavior pattern, supporting the stereotypes of thinking and perception that correspond to the idea of endless enmity, as if the whole life of this person was spent in the fighting ring.
Where does resentment come from
Very often, the ban on the direct expression of anger gives rise to situations where a person demonstrates his feelings indirectly, bypassing available internal prohibition roundabout ways. Such a manifestation, for example, is resentment. It concentrates what a person cannot say, looking into the eyes of his offender. This is the way indirect supply of anger when one person, with all his behavior, shows to another the unacceptability of the actions of the latter for himself. When direct expression of anger does not work, or we cannot express anger directly, it transforms into resentment. For example, when our partner in a business or relationship does not behave the way we would like, we cannot always tell him about it directly, often because of our own internal restrictions and . We avoid"unpleasant conversation", afraid to experience psychological discomfort from this. In this case, the emerging anger is transformed into resentment. Instead of straightaway say something directly to another person, we begin to use various manipulation techniques to get what we want. We begin to behave arrogantly / dismissively / coldly towards the partner, to distance ourselves from him. Either we are trying to get the desired behavior through the manipulation of feeling, pity or duty. As a result, we either achieve the desired behavior, or, over time, resentment goes away on its own.
It must be admitted that we very often bear grievances of many years ago as if they were inflicted yesterday. What could be dealt with immediately by expressing anger at the moment of its occurrence, we carry with us for years, filled with self-pity and suffering. It is unlikely that all this brings us happiness. Resentment is a senseless torment that exhausts the one who cherishes it.
Often resentment becomes pattern of behavior a person, and then his life and the life of his loved ones turns into continuous torment. However, you can get rid of the habit of being offended simply by learning to express the energy of anger that has arisen in an adequate way. Just by adhering to a simple rule - to immediately say if something offends you, worries or annoys you, you will stop accumulating resentment. You are a person, alive, with your emotions, and not a machine for issuing the “correct” reactions. Therefore, it makes no sense to hide the manifestations of your anger, it is necessary to adequately express it. Until we recognize the fact that unexpressed anger destroys us, affecting our health and relationships with people, it will be very difficult for us to overcome the inhibition of expressing anger. Until we see how the mechanism works inside us, forcing us to suppress our natural reactions and causing a feeling that if we have not coped with ourselves, we will not be able to change anything.
Expression of anger
We need to stop accumulating anger and resentment in ourselves. To do this, you need to master a new skill. This skill is to master the ability adequate expression of their emotions. The essence of this skill is to start speak sincerely about your feelings without denying or fearing them. Our fear of showing our true experiences contributes to suppressing them. We are shy and afraid of being misunderstood by others. Therefore, by beginning to sincerely talk about how we feel at the moment, we work to overcome hiding habits from everyone, including yourself. Sincerely speaking about our feelings, we get freedom, which we did not know before, and we feel much better. The people around you feel it too. Sincerity disarms those with whom we communicate, and most often they have to respond to us in kind. Opening our feelings, we break down the barriers that we ourselves have erected, and help others to do the same.
This practice helps you learn how to express your emotions. straight and proper. Sooner or later, the moment will come when you will be able to express your claims to someone in a form that will will not offend, but at the same time convey the essence of your discontent. This is the end of the work with the ban on the expression of anger, since the ability to calmly and clearly articulate your claims is a sure sign that you own the situation, not the situation you. By expressing your anger at the moment it appears, you gain a flexibility that you didn't know before.
Recognize your right to feel what you feel. After all, there is nothing wrong with telling the offender, especially if it is a close person: “You know, your behavior towards me offends me, but I appreciate our relationship and would like to resolve this situation in the most constructive way.” This will allow you to find a way out of any situation without accumulating resentment in yourself. By expressing your emotions from the moment they appear, you begin to manage any situation.
The adequacy of our reactions and actions to what is happening at the moment is a sign our awareness.
Self-development portal Human development potential
Anger spoils all relationships in your life, creates various misfortunes in your communication and interaction with those whom you love, respect, and care about. Anger brings more destruction than anything in this world. Anger is the most dangerous poison. How can you clear your mind of anger?
Anger is the source of destructive rage, which leads to misfortune and the most tragic consequences. Anger manifests itself in cruel treatment of people, in violence and even murder. If you want to succeed in relationships, then you must make an effort to extract the poisoned arrow of anger from your inner consciousness.
The best antidote to anger is the practice of calmness.
Calmness is the ability to control your emotions every time you feel that somewhere in the depths of your consciousness anger rises and grows.
There are many ways to use calmness, but the best place to start is by realizing that anger is destructive by its very nature and that you must get rid of it.
When the will and the desire to overcome anger appear in your mind, we can assume that half the work has already been done.
The Three Stages of Tranquility Practice:
* Awareness is the development of vigilance towards angry thoughts.
* Conscious breathing - delaying the reaction to emerging anger, not allowing it to manifest itself in any actions.
* Exercise calmness - change your mood.
Awareness of anger
In order to gain awareness of anger, you can try the well-established practice of lists.
First, make a list of everything that worries you. Many people get angry just when something goes wrong and disrupts their plans or expectations. People often become irritated when they are not aware of their thirst or hunger.
* Then make a list of the people you get angry with the most. Put on this list everyone you don't like, those you know who you consider inferior to you, and those people you hate.
* After that, write down what time of day and what days of the week you are more likely to get angry. Some people, for example, are very irritable in the morning or during the first days of the week.
Think carefully about why certain people and events make you so angry. This very thinking reduces the possibility of anger.
The use of conscious breathing is required to develop the ability to delay the response to anger that arises. Breathe deeply as you ponder the cause of the anger building up in the depths of your consciousness. Wait a few seconds. Remember that at this time your back should be straightened.
You will find that your breath has a truly magical power.
When you develop this ability to delay the reaction to the anger that arises, not allowing it to manifest itself in any actions, you will pass the second stage of the fight against anger. This result can only be achieved through continuous practice.
Peace of mind requires a change in your attitude.
What exactly needs to be done?
And here's what. First of all, it is best to try not to encounter those people who annoy and bother you at all. Secondly, decide to stop interacting with them on an “eye for an eye” basis. Thirdly, consciously first notice the positive aspects in people and situations, and only then ...
Anger as an emotion is negatively perceived by people. A person in anger rarely controls himself, as in principle and with the manifestations of other feelings. However, anger makes a person act badly towards those he is offended by. The feeling in question has reasons for its appearance and methods of control. How to deal with anger is the main topic of this article.
Many people confuse anger with aggression. However, these concepts are different. The emotion that a person experiences is the same - there is indignation, indignation at what is happening. However, anger differs in the way it manifests itself.
Anger can be defined as the internal state of a person who is offended, dissatisfied with something, hates. Aggression is often associated with violence. If during anger a person tries to offend his offender, then during aggression he seeks to cause him physical or material harm.
In themselves, these emotions are similar, but there are differences. You can read all about aggression on the psychological help website psymedcare.com.
What is anger?
It is not difficult to recognize anger, as it often occurs in people who are unhappy with something. What is anger? This is a negative emotion, which is expressed in a flash of indignation and indignation at what is happening. Anger is a harbinger of aggression, when a person directly proceeds to commit negative acts.
We can say that anger is an emotion, and aggression is a violent action.
During anger, a person turns off his rational thinking, the rules of decency and morality. Instinctive mechanisms are turned on when a person directs destructive energy to the address of what caused his anger. In rare cases, a person controls himself, because often he believes that he is doing the right thing in a state of anger. He is not wrong, but other people should be punished for the offense they caused him.
Anger is an emotion of an aggressive nature, a direction towards an animate or inanimate object with the aim of destroying, suppressing or subjugating it. This negative emotion cannot last long. However, it completely covers the human consciousness, subordinating it to itself:
- The muscles of the face and body tense up.
- Fists and teeth are clenched.
- The face is on fire.
- The body tenses like a string.
- Everything is boiling inside.
At any moment, a person can explode, and the sensations that he experiences are like a “boiling kettle”, which is already whistling and ready to catch fire.
Anger is one way people communicate. Being dissatisfied with their own lives, people splash it out on everyone who just touches them with something. Naturally, the response will be the same anger or even more, since the feelings of other people are already hurt. It turns out a vicious circle, when some splash out anger because of their own discontent on those who respond with the same anger that causes discontent of the first.
Anger has become the norm of modern society. However, this does not change the fact that anger radiates negative energy and leads to various kinds of disorders. Despite the danger and undesirability of communicating through anger, people continue to express it at every opportunity. And in all this confusion, it is very important to skillfully use that feeling that usually destroys a person and his life. It is important to learn to understand the nature of anger and be able to manage it for your own good.
Reasons for anger
When you observe the angry behavior of another person, the natural question arises: “Why are you angry?”. What are the causes of anger that so covers a person that he stops reasoning, thinking and remaining calm?
Anger is classified as a negative emotion, because in the conditions of the modern world, this expression of feelings is unacceptable. However, anger is a natural, natural feeling that is aimed at the survival of a living entity. If a person did not get angry, then he could not protect himself, his property or relatives.
However, over time, social foundations have changed, rules and frameworks have been invented that now restrain people in their natural manifestations. Anger cannot be eradicated from a person, because it continues to preserve his life, integrity and rights. However, society does not accept the expression of anger, since it is often associated with the commission of bad deeds that infringe on the rights and freedoms of others.
Psychologists identify the main cause of anger - this is aggression that occurs on an external stimulus. Sometimes anger can be provoked by fear and other negative emotions. The body begins to produce a large amount of energy, the pulse quickens, the skin turns pale or red. All of these are natural manifestations of anger.
Anything can lead to a state of anger and anger:
- Getting a bad grade in school.
- Criticism of a loved one.
- Rejection of feelings and refusal to create love relationships.
- Salary delay.
- Dismissal.
- Aggressive attitude of others.
- Infringement of human freedom, etc.
People have a negative attitude to anger, because under its influence a person rarely controls his actions. And in a state of anger, you can only do bad things - harm or commit violence. In a cultural society, this behavior infringes on the rights and freedoms of others, so there is constant propaganda that anger should be controlled.
A common cause of anger is called frustration - when a person cannot achieve his goals due to external circumstances or interference caused by another individual. Frustration is failure, disappointment, lack of purpose. A person in this situation is angry at those people or circumstances that have become obstacles in achieving the desired.
Often, anger is directed towards removing these obstacles. It can be both verbal and physical.
Another reason for anger can be a situation where a person succumbs to moral pressure. This phenomenon is common in modern society. How else can you express your anger in a cultured society where any physical abuse is punished? Only words in the form of criticism and dissatisfaction. People have already learned to skillfully operate with words and put pressure on others so that they have a natural feeling of anger when their freedom, rights and dignity are suppressed.
Attachment to the person who offends often plays an important role in the emergence of anger. If a loved one refuses, offends, shows disrespect for the feelings of a partner, then there is internal indignation, resentment, anger. The more expected of the other person, the stronger the anger becomes when expectations are not met.
Strong anger leads to nervous exhaustion. Therefore, first of all, one should learn to cope with anger by the person who experiences it.
Anger management
Modern society is arranged in such a way that respect, good nature, calmness, etc. are acceptable manifestations of people. Such a feeling as anger is one of those manifestations that should be suppressed. That is why there is an active development of methods for managing one's own anger.
Unfortunately, people still cannot manage anger, which is quite natural:
- It is impossible to suppress what is given to man by nature. Fighting anger is like fighting your own appetite. Sooner or later, a person will not stand it and will break.
- It is impossible to get rid of what subjugates a person. While the individual is in a state of anger, he completely surrenders to his own feelings.
- You can't fight what feels right. No man will give up what feels right to him. Only at the end of the action of anger can he see the negative aspects of his actions.
Anger management is possible only when the person himself, in a state of anger, does not want to succumb to his own emotions and does not consider it right to commit bad deeds. In this case, you can use all the exercises that psychologists offer.
Negative emotion appears in a situation where it seems that something is wrong and should be corrected. At the stage of the initial appearance of emotion, a person faces an unconscious choice: to calm down and go into decline, or to succumb to anger and reach a state of rage. It is at this moment that anger can be controlled before it has consumed the person.
If the individual succumbs to his own anger, then he experiences and performs many actions:
- Nerves are compressed, there is a feeling of lack of air.
- There is a desire to fight, crush, break, jump, run, etc.
- There is a surge of discontent and indignation.
- The voice becomes hoarse and choked.
Society condemns precisely the actions that a person commits in a state of passion. After all, under the influence of anger, he commits destructive acts. That is why it is recommended to move away from an aggressive or angry person until he throws out all his emotions.
Anger is sometimes divided by gender:
- Male aggression is perceived as a manifestation of strength.
- Female aggression is considered a manifestation of weakness and irrationality.
Although we are talking about the same causes and manifestations of anger. Only in society is one sex allowed to manifest it, while the other is prohibited.
Anger quickly arises and just as quickly passes. Society's attitude towards him is based solely on the actions that a person performs in a state of anger. If they bring destruction and pain to others, then anger was bad. If a person has done a noble deed, then people praise him.
Anger manifests itself in all people. However, in order to control its expression, various manipulative slogans are invented. For example, it is believed that a person matures when he learns to manage anger. In other words, it is beneficial for society that people seek to restrain their natural emotion, which disturbs the peace of citizens.
How to deal with anger?
Should I learn to manage my anger? This question must be answered by each himself. It is worth noting only one advantage that a person receives when he learns to cope with anger - he can now control his actions in any situation.
To cope with anger, it is necessary to stop its development at any stage.
- First, you can stop anger at the stage of the appearance of a situation that causes negative emotions. You can end a conversation with a person who is annoying. You can briefly leave the room where unpleasant events occur. As soon as you feel that you are starting to be aggressive, you should isolate yourself from the negative situation.
- Secondly, you can stop anger at the stage when it either subsides or starts to rage. Tell yourself that you don't want to be angry, and start doing whatever you can to help you do it.
Additional techniques to eliminate anger can be:
- Listening to calm music.
- Restoration of breathing.
- Seclusion for the purpose of relaxation.
- Relaxation of all muscles of the body.
- Thinking about the situation in order to solve it, and not to find the guilty ones.
- Meditation.
- Mental movement to places where it is pleasant to be.
- Switching attention.
Train yourself to see in anger not a personal insult, but the natural aggressiveness and savagery of people. People are not trained to manage their anger, so they use it like little children who are just naughty because they didn’t like something.
If something annoys you, you should not accumulate it in yourself - say it in a non-rude and human way. Your task is not to swallow your own anger in order to be civilized outwardly. You must learn to get rid of the charge of negative energy through calm speaking.
How to make your anger noble?
- Admit that you are angry.
- Understand your anger. What are the reasons for its occurrence? What made you angry?
- Use your anger to your advantage. Focus on solving the problem and use anger as a source of energy for further action.
Make your anger a helper that will accompany you until you solve the problem that has arisen. Indeed, in the whole situation, when something annoys you, the important thing is that there was just some kind of problem. And as long as you spend your energy and time expressing dissatisfaction with the other person, you are not solving the problem. You are trying to offend, blame, humiliate someone, but this has nothing to do with the situation that made you angry. It is better to direct your anger towards solving the problem, and not just offending the other person.
Outcome
Speaking about anger management, people often point out that it is necessary to suppress it. However, scientists say the opposite: the result of suppressed emotions can be psychosomatic diseases associated with the cardiovascular system. Heart attacks and strokes are often associated with unexpressed negative emotions.
At the same time, there is an opinion that anger cannot be expressed every time it appears. Because a person develops the habit of not holding back his emotions, but freely pouring them out on others. In turn, the aggressive person begins to enjoy the suffering of others, which in the future causes him to provoke or look for situations where he can again be aggressive.
What to do with your own emotions, in any case, it is up to each person to decide. However, it should be understood that the constant experience of negative emotions leads to serious diseases that can affect life expectancy.