Natalya Kaptsova
Reading time: 9 minutes
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Relations with neighbors are different. For example, friendly (mutual assistance and "run in for tea"), neutral (when you say hello and quickly disappear) and hostile. The last case is the most severe and difficult to treat.
But still, peace with neighbors is real!
The main reasons for poor relations with neighbors - find out the essence of the problem
Every family, moving into a new home, dreams - now everything will be different! No alcoholics, grandmothers-spies, young "degradants", etc. And they all look very nice and friendly.
A week passes - and the family comes to understand that ideal neighbors simply do not exist. And you have to choose - the battle of the "titans" or a bad world.
Unfortunately, the first option is more "popular".
In addition to the above, there are other causes of conflicts. But you never know any reason at all - to quarrel with your neighbors, if you really want to.
Rules for coexistence with neighbors - how not to spoil relations?
In order for life in the new house to be truly peaceful and calm, you need to remember the most important:
- All people are different! Some love dogs, others love cats. Some dream of flower beds, others dream of a large parking lot. Some work during the day, others at night. And so on. Be willing to compromise if you want to be treated like a human being.
- Always say hello to your neighbors. Even if it's the same bastard that made you sleepless last night.
- Instill in children a culture of communication and behavior in in public places : stomping and listening to music loudly after 8 pm is not allowed (everyone wants to rest and sleep), burning tires under the neighbor's balcony is not allowed, picking flowers from a flower bed is not allowed, playing the saxophone at 3 o'clock in the morning is not allowed, etc. .
- Walk dogs not under the windows of the house, but a little further - so as not to anger the neighbors . And, of course, do not take them to the playground (otherwise you are provided with enemies in the person of young mothers). And also wear muzzles if the dogs are large, and keep them on short leashes when going down stairs (kids can get scared). If your dog likes to “yell” at every rustle in the street in the evenings, and barks from steps on the stairs, teach him to express his emotions in a different way (this is really real). And take care of high-quality super-sound insulation.
- Keep the entryway clean - do not leave garbage near the apartment, do not smoke on the stairs, clean up after your pets if they accidentally did not run to the street, do not take your old furniture to the stairwell (you will be surprised, but no one needs it, take it straight to the trash!), do not drink alcohol at the entrance (you can walk to the apartment and do it at home).
- Chat with your neighbors more often. Not to make friends, but just to understand who you can communicate with more closely, and who is better to stay away from. Simple questions will help with this - “where is your mail here?”, “Can you tell me the phone number of the local emergency gang?”, “Do you have cockroaches in your apartment?” etc.
- When undertaking repairs, be as “polite” as possible . Do not make noise on weekends, early in the morning and after 7 pm, when everyone after work goes to rest in front of the TV. If the neighbors have kids, ask what time they have daytime sleep so that at this time they can take a break with breaking off old tiles or chasing walls. If there are only young mothers around you, and the sleep schedule for all the little ones is different, then you will not be able to please everyone. On the other hand, you can afford to buy a small toy for the kids, and a box of chocolates for the mothers, and apologize after the repair is completed. The neighbors will appreciate this gesture, forgive you and stop mentally cursing at every meeting. Naturally - no construction waste! Immediately take it out or leave it within your apartment.
9 Ways to Improve Relationships or Make Peace with Housemates or Cottages
The most important advice: always put yourself in the shoes of your neighbors! So it will be easier for you to understand them and draw conclusions.
As well as…
- Do not give in to provocations. Let them behave as they want (these are THEIR problems, not yours), and you learn to express your feelings in other ways.
- Don't take aggression to heart , which sometimes splashes out on you from neighbors. If you are guilty, correct yourself and apologize, if you are not guilty, just ignore (the dog barks, as they say, but the caravan moves on).
- Take your time to "beat the muzzle" , throw threats and fill neighbor's doors with construction foam. If you want to convey something to the neighbors, do it with humor, for example, through a cheerful announcement with a subtle hint that you are quite serious.
- Starting repairs, warn your neighbors. You can go to everyone in person, or you can write an announcement with an apology and approximate deadlines for completing the work. But a warning is a must. At least to show that you care about them.
How to get to know each other and make everyone positive?
- There are two options: either you go to them, or they go to you. In the first case, you go to your neighbors with “cakes” and a box of tea (alcohol is strongly discouraged), in the second, they go to your housewarming party with invitations scattered in mailboxes.
- How to merge neighbors? Surely there are problems in your yard or at home (potholes on the roads, lack of amenities on the playground, "hangouts" of the homeless and crazy youth in the sandbox, creepy walls in the entrance, etc.). You can become the initiator of solving one of the problems by common forces - this is how you “set yourself up” in the right light and you will immediately see your neighbors in all their glory. After solving the problem (they repaired the pit on their own, which interfered with cars, made benches or covers with locks for sandboxes, arranged a community work day, painted the walls in the entrance, etc.), you can also have a picnic together right in the yard.
- Get ready to help your neighbors if they ask for help, or do not ask, but clearly need it: push the car, give a stepladder or a puncher for a day, bring a chair to the apartment, borrow salt, etc.
- If the light bulb in the entrance burned out - do not wait until the housing office changes it. Change it yourself (it's not difficult and not expensive). Or you can chip in with your neighbors and buy energy-saving light bulbs for all staircases.
- Participate in household chores. In meetings, discussing issues, donating money for certain common needs, etc. Living apart is great, but if you are a "sociopath", do not expect good relations from neighbors.
- If you are forced to leave a large thing on the stairs (for example, you bought furniture, and your father-in-law promised to take the old one to the dacha on Saturday, and both “sets” do not fit in the apartment), then hang up a note apologizing for the temporary inconvenience . And do not forget to keep your promise "on Saturday they will pick it up."
- Never discuss with one neighbor another. Washing the bones is not good general atmosphere entrance (house). If you have complaints, express them specifically to the person to whom they are addressed, and not to all your neighbors in secret through gnashing of teeth.
- Never open up in front of everyone at once. Some will consider it a great stupidity, others will laugh, others will use it against you. And only 1 out of 4 will love you for it to the core. Leave all the ins and outs about yourself at home.
- Try to be with your neighbors, if not be friends, then at least remain on good terms. You never know when you may need help from your neighbor (do not enter the entrance or apartment, look after housing or animals, urgently leave the child in a force majeure situation, call for help in a robbery, ask for a duplicate key if it is lost, etc.) .
Alcoholics, brawlers with an unbalanced psyche, "bulls", etc. Don't have any conversations with these people.. In case of problems, communicate through the district.
Friendship with neighbors - it really exists. Of course, no one forces you to bake pies and invite everyone over, including that alcoholic from the 5th apartment, but in our turbulent time Still, it's best to be considerate of each other.
If you don't like your neighbors at all, show some respect for them .
And be polite! Politeness - she takes the city.
Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
Neighbors Day is celebrated all over the world every year, and although this year it was also celebrated in Russia on May 25, with what, with what, and with good neighborly relations in our country, everything is not like in good films with close communication and cherry pies. Bolshaya Derevnya, together with IKEA, decided to rectify the situation and conducted an experiment: our correspondent Ksenia Chastova followed the Swedish rules of good neighborliness for a week and talked with the residents of her native 12-story building. How the challenge changed not only relationships, but also the life of the whole house - in a detailed diary report.
Experiment conditions
The field for the experiment was a Soviet-built socket in the Sovetsky district of Samara, where I have been living since childhood. The house has 12 floors, 48 apartments and more than a hundred residents, with whom I have never tried to build warm relationships. Unless, as a child and obeying her mother, she greeted those who met us on the landing - usually barely audible, or even to herself. Now, twenty years later, I stopped forcing myself to do it - and the neighbors didn't even try. All interaction with them began and ended in the elevator and was forced - the floor buttons were pressed only one at a time, so the conversations were very monotonous: “Which one do you want?” - "Sixth".
Ksenia Chastova
As part of the experiment, within a week I had to get out of the comfort zone that has been developing for decades. And once and for all - after all, regardless of the results achieved, it was necessary to intersect with neighbors further. I had to establish contacts from scratch - we were united only by a sea of common problems, including two old terrible elevators, dirt in the entrance and an unpleasant smell from the sewer, periodically felt on the first floor.
In Sweden, good neighborly relations are much better developed than in Russia, so we came up with the conditions for the experiment together with the IKEA team. I was supposed to start small: greet all the residents of my house and offer them all possible assistance, then find the elder at the entrance and find out what he does, and finally, get to know the neighbors and unite to solve a common problem - go to a mini-subbotnik. For the latter, IKEA even provided artificial plant pots to freshen up the look of the entryway and inspire the neighbors to new achievements.
Day one: get to know your neighbor
Day two: find a leader
Following the recommendation of IKEA to unite neighbors in a common cause, I printed an appeal: “Dear residents of the house! Spring is in the yard - the time when we carry out general cleaning in the apartment. So why not clean up the entryway? Wash, finally, dusty windows, dirty walls of the elevator. Yes, at least wash the floor at the door to your apartment! I propose to collectively restore cleanliness and order this Sunday! She hung the printed announcements in the most prominent places: at the entrance, next to the notice of the meeting, and on the first floor, right between the two elevators.
I also did not wait for a convenient moment to get acquainted with Petr Ivanovich - I just called apartment number 13 and froze in anticipation. I expected to see a pensioner hunched over and dissatisfied with everything, but a completely good-natured man appeared in front of me, who, without asking who and why he had come, opened the door and prepared to listen to me.
I started with the main thing: I told how the elevator got stuck again in the morning and two men, being trapped, were desperately banging on the door somewhere between the floors. In response, Pyotr Ivanovich sadly said that there was nothing to hope for, the replacement of elevators was an expensive pleasure. It would be possible to solve the problem during the overhaul, but before 2032 we will not see it.
In the course of the conversation, the leader went further and further into discussions about sore points: I was overwhelmed by a whirlwind of stories about fraud on the part of the management company, illegal additional charges on receipts and indecently old sewers. I nodded with interest, listened and tried to delve into problems that I had not suspected before, at the same time being surprised at how Pyotr Ivanovich found the strength to check every comma in payments, send hundreds of claims to management companies and drive away repairmen who were shirking work. It seemed that the heads of the housing department, the REU and other organizations themselves were following his lead. “Although I did not graduate from the construction institute, I worked as the head of the construction department, which built housing from the Frunze plant. He was familiar with all the norms, delved into all the questions, studied everything, ”he explained to me his meticulousness.
In the course of communication, I received answers to many questions - for example, I understood why it was so dirty in the entrance. It turned out that there are still cleaners in the house, but if they are lucky, they go to work once a month - a small salary does not encourage an active war for cleanliness. Windows are washed only twice a year - in spring and autumn, but in May of this year, residents did not wait for wet cleaning.
Inspired by the story and activity of Peter Ivanovich, I shared with him the idea of a community work day and offered to join. To my surprise, it was rejected. “And so much work. Yes, and not so long ago, in the territory behind the house, where the cars are parked, they collected garbage, ”my new acquaintance explained and disappeared through the door.
Day three: be patient
Today, the neighbors came to me themselves - early in the morning there was a knock on the door. Usually I don’t go out to people I don’t expect to visit, especially if I’m not ready for a meeting - there’s a mess on my head, one eye is made up, the other is not, but the rule “be friendly to neighbors and give them all possible help” could not be broken . I opened the door and found two neighbors from my floor on the landing, who were vigorously discussing something. Turning to me, they explained that the home telephone was not working - apparently due to some problems with the operator. I spread my hands, explaining that I use only mobile communications, and wished me luck in finding and fixing the cause of the problem.
Leaving the apartment a couple of hours later, I found one of the neighbors in the same place and politely asked if the phone was working, but I didn’t get an intelligible answer - the man began to mutter something incoherent. I nodded sympathetically and hastened to retreat: I had to see if anyone had joined the subbotnik I had planned. There was silence on all twelve floors. The announcement on the board at the entrance was torn down by someone. I tried to call for participation at least the girl I met at the entrance, but she only gloomily said hello and, shaking her green hair, disappeared behind the door of the apartment. There is despair inside. Is the idea hopeless?
Day Four: Catch a Helping Hand
It was the fourth day of the experiment, and relations with neighbors still left much to be desired. I, following the instructions, politely greeted everyone I met, but in response I received either a formal greeting on the run, or a demonstration of a clear unwillingness to communicate. Having met a woman in the elevator and asked which button to press, I heard an indignant “We actually live on the same floor!”. When the doors opened, she flew into her apartment like a bullet, leaving me alone with my defeat.
I still had the task of transforming the house. I reasoned that since I had not been able to clean up the inside of the entrance, I should try my luck outside. His gaze fell on the front garden at the front door - someone carefully planted flowers there, but in some places it was still bare. Noting to myself that there were a couple of pots with surplus flower seedlings at home, I wondered if my intrusion would offend the owner of the flower garden.
Feeling that someone was walking behind me, I turned around - an elderly woman was walking past. Immersed in her thoughts, she smiled. “Excuse me, do you know who plants flowers here?” I asked carefully. “Yes, there is only one neighbor, I don’t remember from which floor,” the pensioner explained. I shared my plans for my contribution to the landscaping of the site, and she smiled encouragingly: “Of course, plant!”. A conversation began about neighbors and my relatives, whom my interlocutor, it turns out, knew. As a result, I found another friend - Baba Valya.
I undertook to ennoble the front garden on the same day, and when the water taken out of the house for irrigation ran out, I went to the neighbors. I must say that the opportunity to get help from a stranger, when he does not owe you anything, always seemed to me something incredible, so when I knocked on the first apartment that came across, I didn’t really count on anything.
From behind the door came a wary "who's there?" and after magic word"neighbors" on the threshold appeared a young woman. Her tone of voice changed to friendly, and she gladly agreed to help, filling my small watering can to the brim. We imperceptibly talked about home gardening, and after a couple of minutes we already offered each other to exchange a couple of varieties of violets. This was the first hint that good neighborly relations are not only in the movies.
Day Five: Experience the meeting for yourself
I always imagined the general meeting of tenants as a noisy crowd of formidable old women: at first they complain to each other that they were cheated on hot water again, and after a couple of minutes they begin to discuss that Katya from the fifth apartment is a drug addict and generally still not married. After attending the first meeting at home in my life, I realized that almost all of these fantasies are real.
At the appointed time, about a dozen pensioners crowded at the entrance - given that the meeting took place at 16-45 on a weekday, it was designed for them. Representatives of the REU and already familiar Pyotr Ivanovich with a pile of papers were stomping around. Gradually, other neighbors joined, although there were those who, by chance, passing by, strenuously pretended not to notice anything.
The role of the leader, as expected, was assumed by the elder in the house: he spoke loudly and enthusiastically, confidently proved his position, in some places was indignant and even raised his voice. Those present agreed with him, immediately starting to discuss their own problems with each other. When the noise became impossible, Pyotr Ivanovich shouted, urging them to concentrate on general issues. This happened every ten minutes. As a result, the event was very much like a battle between the head of the PRUE and the senior in the house, surrounded by violent fans.
As a result, Peter Ivanovich still collected the votes of the residents on the necessary issues, inviting them to sign in a special register. I, however, could not achieve my goal - to call the neighbors for a subbotnik now next weekend: many simply did not pay attention to me, someone silently nodded in response and was immediately distracted by personal conversations. I realized that it makes sense to talk to everyone in private and in a more relaxed atmosphere.
Day Six: Knock on all doors
In response to my invitation to a subbotnik, she readily nodded, promising to “remove everything that gets in her way,” after which she hurriedly disappeared from sight. Skeptically looking after her, I decided to walk through other floors - perhaps I could find more reliable assistants. It turned out to be quite difficult: someone could not be found at home, someone, rustling with slippers, approached the peephole and silently went back. One man, without giving a word, shouted that he would not buy anything, and stopped responding to a knock on the door. Another came out, listened, looked like a naive first-grader, and disappeared behind the door. Elderly women refused, citing health problems.
After half an hour of fruitless attempts, another neighbor opened the door in front of me. I immediately recognized her as one of the most enterprising participants in the last meeting of residents. My proposal aroused a mixture of enthusiasm and indignation in the woman: she rushed to the window in the entrance, pulled the handle and shared her pain - someone filled the frames with mounting foam, and they no longer opened, and a composition of dust and dirt formed between the glasses. The neighbor recognized my idea as reasonable and promised to put things in order on the floor where she lives. “But I won’t be in the elevator. It’s scary to go there!” she marked the limits of her altruism.
Day seven: believe in people
Grabbing a bucket and detergents, I went out into the entrance alone. People passed by every now and then: someone pretended not to notice me, someone complained about the many things to do and the lack of time.
Conflicts
Ilya Belomytsev
Consulting psychologist
In order to start a conversation, you need an adequate pretext. A simple and effective recipe: “Do you have any salt?”, “Do you know if the water was turned off for a long time?”, “Does your antenna also malfunction?” - anything that concerns your common field in which you live together. Even if the neighbor is not very talkative, he will still answer something. And after that, you can continue on your own - tell something about yourself, any story or fact: “we have no water for the third day”, “thanks for the salt, otherwise mine crumbled from the earthquake.” It’s not a fact that the conversation will start, but the next time the person is more likely to be in the mood to communicate with you. Because you applied the main rule of any communication - you received something from him, and you gave him something in return. And of course, don't forget to smile. It is more difficult if you have already communicated once, but your relationship did not work out very well.
"Conflicts are open and closed - you need to determine which of the cases is yours"
A closed conflict is usually called its initial stage - for example, young guys from a neighboring apartment periodically have parties and interfere with sleep. Falling asleep becomes increasingly difficult, but you are not yet ready to deal with them. A closed conflict can last quite a long time and never escalate into an open one.
With an open one, everything is easier - it can begin, for example, with the first sounds of a drill, bypassing the stage of a closed conflict. In an open conflict, a person expresses everything that he feels - swears, shouts, offends.
There are a couple of recipes for restoring the world for each stage. In a closed conflict, until you tell the neighbor what he is doing wrong, this is only your problem. Many neighbors are not aware that they are disturbing someone. The trick is that the sooner you make this problem a common one, the more likely it is not to go into open conflict and deal with your emotions. You can let your neighbor know that you both have a problem. At the same time, you can remain nice and offer your own ways of resolving.
If you decide to resolve an open conflict, you should transfer communication with a neighbor from the plane of emotions to the plane of a constructive conversation. How to do it? Do not succumb to provocations, clearly articulate your wishes and understand the point of view of your opponent. When your message is not "destroy", but "common good" - the chances of resolving the conflict increase sharply.
At this time, "snowdrops" - motorists appear. You can start communicating with a neighbor on automotive grounds: ask for advice or help with a deed if you understand cars. Relationships are unlikely to develop into friendship, but you will already recognize each other from afar.
Sun in Taurus
This month, each neighbor will sit in his apartment and will not want to communicate unnecessarily. In order not to provoke a conflict, try not to break the silence and monitor the condition of the plumbing. Flooding neighbors is easy, but repairing them is oh, how expensive!
Sun in Gemini
If you and your neighbors have children, it's time to organize a home Kindergarten: one mother sits with the kids, and the rest at this time go about their business. They will appreciate it!
Sun in Cancer
A month when order and timely payment of utility bills are important. If you are a newcomer, get ready for the fact that the neighbors will examine you directly under a microscope. In order not to have problems, keep polite, but at a distance.
Sun in Leo
An excellent period to create something beautiful and useful together with your neighbors. For example, a club for older parents.
Sun in Virgo
A month is fraught with confusion in paying utility bills. But you can persuade the HOA accountant to install payments, especially if he is your neighbor. Try!
Sun in Libra
Create a home library: cooperate with neighbors who have unnecessary shelves, take them to the entrance and collect books around the house.
Sun in Scorpio
A favorable period to establish an HOA and choose its chairman, if this has not happened in your house yet. It's time to determine who's boss in the house.
Sun in Sagittarius
To make friends with your neighbors, act like Piglet in a joke. Knock on the door. "Who's there?" - "Winnie, it's me, Piglet, do you have any salt?" - "Not". 3 minutes later knock again. "Who's there?" - "Winnie, it's me, Piglet, I brought salt!".
Sun in Capricorn
Become a kind wizard for your neighbors: help an elderly person whom you often see sitting on a bench, go to a store or a pharmacy for him.
Sun in Aquarius
Amateur athletes and dog lovers come to the fore. Strike up a relationship on a morning run and boldly solve any problem through the same dog lovers as you are. Everything will turn out!
Sun in Pisces
This month, it is easy to get close to your neighbors on the basis of improvement. Have you long wanted to put an iron tambour door? Feel free to knock on your neighbor and discuss your ideas.
When you move into a new apartment, the first thing to do is get to know your new neighbors. Neighbours will save you a lot of nerves and time in the future, and you will immediately establish yourself as a positive and sociable person. A trifle, but nice, even if you are not. The easiest way to do this is by inviting new neighbors for tea: wetting cookies and eating sweets, telling a little about yourself and finding out as much more about the new place of residence.
Good relations with neighbors are the key to further peaceful life in a new apartment, because when you go somewhere on vacation or for work, you may need someone who can look after your pet or water indoor plants. If relations with the neighbors did not work out, then you will not even have the opportunity to visit them when you are bored.
If you could not win over the neighbors, then try to maintain a polite relationship with them, if only so that they can lend you a few chairs for a large feast. Many people who make friends with their neighbors live much easier and calmer, because they know what lies beyond the wall. neighbor , a friend who is ready to help at the first call.
It’s good if you and your neighbors have common holidays or hobbies, and you can spend some time together on business. Even if it's about celebrating a joint birthday or anniversary. It is known that teamwork or a feast brings people together. It is not for nothing that pensioners visit each other so often: they want to feel the support of a loved one who can become neighbor .
In addition, comfort and warmth depend on the neighbors not only in the stairwell, but also in the apartment. And if you come across not very well-mannered people or violent alcoholics as neighbors, then you will also have to find mutual language. Constant quarrels and scandals behind the wall in the early morning are far from a gift. But still, this problem is solved by conversation. Often only the husband drinks in a neighboring family, and therefore, by talking with his wife, this issue can be resolved.
There are truths and such, a conversation with which gives nothing. In this case, you will have to take emergency measures. For example, call the district police officer. Sometimes neighbours they forget that it is more pleasant to live peacefully and amicably than in eternal scandals. For the most part, this is what egoists do, who are completely uninterested in those who are nearby. If you come across just such neighbors, then, alas, you will not miss any of their parties, and loud music will haunt you in any part of your apartment.
The most difficult and at the same time the simplest thing is to find a common language. No need to be afraid to visit neighbors, discuss with them last news or just chat over a cup of tea. If you move to a new place and visit neighbor to find out what his actual name is, then he will not eat you and will not swear at you. Don't be afraid to communicate! If you have found a common language with your neighbors and made friends with them, then life in a new place will be cozy and pleasant.