29.07.2010 14:23
Attention, the question is: which of us can "burn" at work? Answer: such a "burning" is subjected to a working perfectionist who sits "at the machine" from morning to night, fighting with deadlines and performing production feats. Yes, that's right. True, the answer is not complete. Indeed, the risk group of "emotionally burning out" includes not only office "Stakhanovites", but also ... mothers on maternity leave.
Distinguish the wheat from the chaff
It is no secret that during the first months of motherhood, a young mother absorbs reality in a new way, experiencing sensations unfamiliar to herself - both very pleasant and promising difficulties. Often, the game of hormones becomes the “provocateur” of these conditions - they “dance” in the woman’s body for a long time after childbirth to help her maternal instinct turn on and work at full capacity.
- This is the nature of the "blues" - a safe whiny-excited "falling into childhood" on 2-3 days after birth. Anything can unbalance a newly-made mother - the song of a mammoth from a familiar cartoon, the shape of clouds running across the sky, or a telephone congratulation on the addition. Fortunately, the “blues” last only a couple of days, after which the passions subside somewhat, and the mother is able to adequately respond to what is happening.
- The apathy that replaces the blues looks a little more threatening. It seems to a young mother that nothing works out for her in her new status, and the most unpleasant thing is that she does not feel for the baby those sparkling feelings that they talk about on TV screens, write in magazines for parents. In this case, hormones are "played along" by the need to adapt to a new life with a baby and overcome certain difficulties - to establish breastfeeding, get used to the crumbs regimen, organize walks and at the same time run a household. The "shelf life" of apathy is a week or two (it all depends on the mother's temperament, her state of health and the willingness of others to help).
- If even after 14 days "things are still there" - there is a high risk of the onset of postpartum depression, which is fraught with health problems for mother and baby. In this case, one cannot do without the help of relatives and conversations with a psychologist.
Fortunately, apathy, and even more so, depression are quite rare phenomena. Another thing is the “emotional burnout syndrome”, the taste of which is familiar to almost every young mother. The burnout syndrome (it was discovered in 1974 by the American psychotherapist Freidenberg) is, in fact, the twin of the chronic fatigue syndrome, when the sea of positiveness and vigorous activity are replaced by the feeling that the "Groundhog Day" has come, and with it came exhaustion, devastation and ... anger for the whole White light.
Where does the wind blow from?
Psychologists have determined that the work of a mother is no less difficult than the work of divers or miners. No, not in terms of physical exertion (although carrying a baby in your arms or taking a stroller outside is also not easy), but because of psychological stress. This “press” creates isolation within four walls plus the monotonous monotony of duties - feeding the child, his morning toilet, walking, bathing, etc. You will say that office work is also not very diverse, and you will be right. But you must admit that if you can make a small “smoke break” in the office - chat with colleagues, drink a cup of tea / coffee, completely abandoning problems, then there are no such respite in maternal everyday life. A baby needs an eye and an eye. If the baby is sleeping, mom is an oil painting! - tries to redo all household chores. In the evening, she falls down from fussing with the child, but she has to feed her husband with dinner, bathe the child, iron things, etc. And at night, the baby needs to be fed or lulled ...
Mom does not have time to do all the work or do it “perfectly”. In a word, she enters the mode of constant inclusion and being driven into a corner ... When to rest? If she does not ask this question, even with the most gentle attitude towards the baby and a positive attitude towards her maternal duties, she can fall into the trap of "burnout". As a result, she is covered with a wave of irritated indifference to everything around her - when, for example, relations with a child are reduced to stereotyped care - but also with outbursts of anger towards the baby. And often burnout is reduced to chronic ailments. As the saying goes: if we don't listen to our body, it puts us to bed.
A spark will ignite a flame...
So that the flame of love for oneself, for a baby, for a loved one does not go out and gives warmth, psychologists offer an effective “recipe”. It has several key ingredients:
- rest - both for the body and for the emotions. Follow the rule: if the baby dozed off during the day, you lie down next to him and allow yourself the “embrace of Morpheus” for at least an hour. Do household chores, so to speak, piece by piece (for example, in the morning you can peel vegetables for soup, chop them in the afternoon, and cook them by the time your husband arrives) - by the evening the most important thing will be done;
- delegation of duties - otherwise a good rest will not work anyway. Trust at least part of the household chores and fuss with the baby to your husband, mother, mother-in-law, and if your loved ones live far away, use the services of a nanny (you can invite her for a couple of hours a day);
- self-expression - speak, communicate, share joys and problems (not without reason the main method of psychological assistance is a conversation). If you believe the statistics, restrained mothers with a “complex of excellent students” are more susceptible to emotional burnout;
- debunking the myth of a good mother - do not be afraid to make mistakes. Most of us have an idea of what a good mother should be. The danger is that any deviation from the painted image gives rise to an inferiority complex and crosses out all real merits. Instead of tormenting yourself: “Good mothers walk with the child twice a day and cook soup every day, but I don’t do this ...”, think that for the baby you are already the best in the world;
- keep yourself in good physical shape - physical relaxation will help unload the psyche, tired of worries and worries. Plus, if you like yourself in the mirror, then your default mood will improve, giving bonuses of affection and tenderness to the baby;
- more pleasures - and the most different ones. Shopping, a bachelorette party with girlfriends, a trip to a beauty salon, a romantic walk with her husband - you choose. And don't be afraid to leave the baby for an hour or two with dad or grandma. Your briefing will definitely be enough for them to wash, change clothes or take a walk with him in the yard while you remember the taste of freedom.
In an hour or two, you will surely feel that you missed the baby - his cute face, honey aroma of the top of his head, round pink heels - and hurry home to your baby, for whom you are the best mother in the world. After all, he chose you!
Olga Sokur, child and family psychologist.
Tags: advice, depression, fatigue, psychology, parents, mother, baby, children, child
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Depression and emotional burnout of the mother on maternity leave (Petranovskaya). Stages of burnout syndrome. How to get out of this state and what to do. Personal experience of a mother of many children.
My name is Anna, and I am a mother of many children: my children are 6, 3.5 and 1.5 years old. The notorious emotional burnout first happened to me after the birth of my second child, but I realized this much later, when with the advent of the third baby in our family, my condition could be described in one phrase "mother at zero." It was then that I turned to a psychologist, and then I began to read literature on pedagogy and psychology, trying to understand the problem, and found an article by Petranovskaya on burnout syndrome.
What is burnout syndrome
Back in the last century in America, this phenomenon was described in relation to social workers who underwent a thorough selection. They were motivated to help those in need: families on the verge of divorce or families with a special child, relatives of the terminally ill or depressed people. Helpers had to remain optimistic, calm and supportive. In the second year of work, their psyche could not withstand prolonged stressful communication, and complaints began to be received from the wards about the rudeness and indifference of the employees.
Syndrome of emotional burnout in parents
If for professional employees there is a prevention of this syndrome, support groups, the possibility of a flexible schedule, then it is not customary to discuss the state of helplessness of parents. A mother who openly expresses her feelings will most likely be condemned, citing the fact that "everyone lives like this" and will be advised not to be loaded "over trifles."
Stages of the EV Syndrome
The first stage is sthenic
The man is tired, but, feeling a sense of duty, copes. Timely rest helps to return to the performance of their duties in a normal state, so this stage is quite safe, but any unplanned factor is annoying, because the body is in a state of energy conservation.
Now I understand that my condition after the birth of my second child was nothing but the first stage of EV. It so happened that the daughter was born with a heart defect requiring urgent surgery, and the son at that time was in a serious condition with her husband in the hospital with suspected meningitis. These months and a half of intense waiting, numerous examinations in the absence of my spouse cost me a lot, and when everything ended well, I felt so empty that I had to force myself to do the usual things, such as: feed the baby, do household chores, cook food , engage with his son, go out with the children for a walk. I felt guilty about the children because they became a burden to me. I said to myself: after all, these are welcome children, because I love them! But it sounded more like self-justification and did not bring relief.
The eldest son suffers from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and if earlier I was able to build a constructive conversation with him through the practice of active listening, now, in response to his irritation, I was also annoyed. He screamed, I raised my voice. I understood that my son feels my helplessness and therefore worries himself, showing aggression and falling into hysterics, but I could not help it. This went on for about a month, and the situation at home heated up to the limit. I understood that I needed to do something, somehow help myself get out of this state, and I succeeded.
At the first stage, when a person lives for a long time in the energy-saving mode, and stenosis is at the limit, and there is no rest and is not expected, any stressful situation leads to neurasthenia, when "keeping" goes to the level of "I can't take it anymore!" This is the second stage - asthenic.
The second stage is asthenic
Irritation is replaced by apathy. I can describe this state on my own example. Our third baby was born. We were all waiting for him, and preparing the children for the arrival of a new family member. But contrary to my expectations, the picture did not turn out the way I wanted. The eldest son experienced problems when attending kindergarten, because in the summer their permanent teacher was replaced by a duty one, and the group itself was a "team" from several groups of different ages. I had no desire to leave him at home, because I was very afraid of not being able to cope with my new tasks. With persuasion, tears and tantrums, the husband took his son to the garden. My daughter also somehow “suddenly” became capricious and tried in every possible way to capture my attention (and I understood it!), And the baby spent so much time at the breast that I had to master the sling in order to somehow manage the household. I remember distinctly the moment the switch clicked. It was nap time for her daughter, and she, who always went quietly to bed at that time, made a riot. She spilled the compote and squealed so that I could not stand it and slapped her. Hurt. Repeatedly. I was so angry that I myself was frightened by my "strange" reaction, but I could not stop. The baby cried. And suddenly I saw myself from the outside, sleepy, angry, with two screaming children, without any support (after all, my husband works from morning to night), and even this compote, which became the last straw. The daughter sobbed softly, wailing "it hurts me, mommy!", the son was looking for breasts, and I sat on the floor by the bed and sobbed at the top of my voice, repeating "I can't do this anymore! I can't!" I became tearful and lethargic. Everything that previously caused irritation, now provoked tears and unwillingness to do something. By evening, I was so exhausted that I fell exhausted into bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep, and not at all because I had to feed the baby - this is called the paradoxical fatigue curve, when, with nervous exhaustion, a person wakes up exhausted, not rested, and any activity is worth a titanic effort, and at night there is overexcitation and it is impossible to fall asleep. This condition also affected intimate relationships with her husband. I didn’t want sex at all, and requests for attention aroused ardent protest in me. I just wanted to sleep and no one would touch.
In addition to sleep disturbances, there are difficulties with food. Despite breastfeeding, I sometimes forgot to eat or had unhealthy snacks, choosing sweets and pastries (I was lucky that my son was not allergic). I could not cope with housekeeping, raising children, and, the worst thing, everything that used to please me and help me get out of a stressful state, ceased to bring pleasure and did not work.
The third stage is the deformation of the personality
It is especially characteristic of teachers, doctors, social assistance workers. Parents begin to hate the child, considering it a hindrance in their lives, showing aggression towards him and communicating in an offensive tone. "I'm not bad, he's bad." As a parent, I have not reached this frightening stage (and I really hope I never will, because I understand that the recovery process will be long and painful), but as a teacher, I will tell my story. After graduating from the institute with a degree in "Teacher of the Russian Language and Literature", I went to work at school with the firm conviction that my mission was "to sow reasonable, kind, eternal" in the hearts of the younger generation. I was not ready for the fact that in the first year I would be given a class teacher in a correctional class, where some children from dysfunctional families and all children suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. At first, with enthusiasm, I began to re-educate my wards, thinking along the way, have I chosen the path for myself, am I a bad teacher, that I can’t do anything? Then my hands just dropped, and another fiasco in pedagogy led to an endless stream of tears. At the end of the second year of study, when I had the idea that it was time to stop ruffling my nerves because of these idiots, I realized that it was impossible to go to work with such an attitude, it was a crime. I asked the director to take off part of the study load from me, and I got 3 days off. I no longer needed to check notebooks at night, and I spent my free time not preparing for lessons, but walking in the park, in the cinema, at performances and exhibitions. After 3 months, I was able to tell the students quite sincerely at the beginning of the lesson, "Hello, it's nice to see you!"
Many will rightly object that in relation to their children it is unlikely that it will be possible to “relieve part of the burden”, therefore, further we will consider ways to get out of the state of EV for mothers. 
How to get out of the EV state?
Many women have been raised by their parents to think that self-care is selfish. If there is a family and children, "your" life no longer exists. But it won’t work, you can deal with yourself according to the residual principle in case of slight fatigue, when you get enough sleep, spend the evening with friends or your husband and in the morning you are as good as new, but when you feel severe nervous exhaustion, neither the child nor the family is happy, a constant state of tearfulness, irritability, in the morning you wake up already tired, often there is a desire to escape from everyone and not return - the priority system needs to be urgently turned over (for a while)!
Let the whole world wait! Nobody and nothing will ever replace you! For his active development and training, a happy, contented and calm mother is needed, while you feel bad and he will be unhappy. Understand that all the strength, money and time that you spend on yourself is a gift to your children, a guarantee of their peace of mind.
- If completely at zero - take vacation, sick leave, hot tour, forget at least for a week about endless development games, grades at school, cleaning, cooking, etc. There is no way to leave - try to switch to the maximum energy saving mode in all your affairs.
- Contact for help from a psychologist . It's normal, a lot of people have this problem. Burnout often hides more serious problems: strong emotional dependence on a child or husband, self-doubt, and self-destructive thoughts and actions.
- Include in your thoughts "Inner Peace Control" and actions to restore it, it is especially important for hyper-responsible, workaholics and all controlling mothers.
Find occupation that restores you: bath, walks, skydiving, meeting with friends, going to a beauty salon, evening with your husband - they should be present in your life regularly. Arrange time-outs before unbearable fatigue sets in.
accept yourself the way you are, with manifestations of your imperfection, allow yourself to make mistakes without being tormented by guilt. Do not make promises to yourself in the spirit of "this will never happen again!". Most likely, it will repeat itself and cause another round of self-flagellation. In such cases, I say to myself "yes, I was wrong now, but I'm an ordinary mother, I'm not perfect, and I will try to react differently next time in a particular case."
Get out of the house more often. Being within four walls is depressing, especially if you were mobile and easy-going before parental leave. Try to choose new walking routes with the baby, and with a grown child, arrange trips to cafes, to children's performances, to visit. With a baby, I went for half a day to a distant park in the summer, and now twice a month we all go for a walk or a performance with the whole family.
Communicate. Find friends who bring you joy. From my own experience, I can say that it was on maternity leave that I made friends, with whom I still keep in touch, although many of them have already gone to work, and it’s not possible to meet often. However, now my daughter has been recommended yoga, and I enjoy taking her to one-on-one sessions, as my social circle at home is limited to younger children.
Take care of your health. Organize yourself a good sleep, adjust the daily routine and nutrition. After my second child, I put on weight, began to study the principles of healthy eating, read several books on nutrition and exercise for weight loss, and created my own training program, which paid off. I stopped doing household chores during the baby's nap and began to relax with him. It helped me feel more energized. At the asthenic stage of EV, I went to the doctor, who prescribed me medication.
Ask for help. It so happened that we live far from relatives, and my husband works a lot, so for a long time I did without help as such. Then we became very good friends with my neighbor grandmother, and I had the opportunity to leave the house for a couple of hours, giving her a baby, of course, not for free. I feel much better than before. In addition, at the suggestion of my husband, once a week a cleaner from a cleaning company comes to us, who irons the linen and does general cleaning. Especially happy is the husband, who loves the perfect order in the house and a contented, not wrapped up wife.
Look for your own solutions: call your grandmothers, ask your spouse for help, send your child to a short stay group.
Bring variety to your life. Prepare new dishes, beautifully set the table by changing tablecloths, be the designer of your apartment, choosing new curtains and other interior details. Buy fragrant shower gels or colored nail polishes, changing them according to your mood. Engage in self-development, read books on topics that interest you and do not allow yourself to become ossified and boring. In the third decree, I was fascinated by the design of children's dishes and oriental cuisine, which I studied with interest. Now I also read books on pedagogy and psychology with interest and write articles, because it brings variety to my life.
Pay attention to yourself. This point deserves to be first. A woman, having become a mother, often does not realize her desires for reasons that it is not reasonable to spend time (or finances) on them, since the needs and desires of the child come first. But a child needs a happy mother, not just another toy. Find something for the soul. It was on maternity leave that I mastered a lot of hobbies: sewing tildes, decoupage, scrapbooking, creating floral arrangements. For some time, an occupation for the soul brought me a certain income, but the important thing is that my studies did not allow me to get bogged down in the dullness of everyday life. Attend workshops whenever possible. Take care of your appearance by visiting a beauty salon at least from time to time. Previously, I was able to do this extremely rarely, until I marked specific dates for visits to the hairdresser and manicurist in the family calendar. Now my husband is aware of my "beauty hikes" in advance and does not plan his affairs at this time.
Realize that You are not the only one who faced such problem. There are thousands, millions of such mothers, it’s just that someone hides their condition, fearing public censure, someone is even afraid to admit to themselves the feelings that they experience in relation to their children, and someone has learned to give themselves rest in time, not allowing development of the EV syndrome.
If you are in a state of complete apathy and do not feel the strength to change anything on your own,address to psychologists and psychotherapists, it is normal! A psychotherapist is the same doctor as an oculist, dentist or therapist, to whom we turn for help. Burnout syndrome and postpartum depression are not far-fetched diseases, we can not always cope with them from the inside. You can start taking B vitamins and magnesium yourself, this is a boost for the nervous system.
If you are "at zero", then know, no matter how hopeless the current situation may seem to you, there is always a way out. And remember: You are a good mother. It’s just that now you yourself need help, attention and care, so that later you can give it to your loved ones. If the jug is empty, it will not quench anyone's thirst. Do not allow such devastation, because the condition of your children depends on your condition and the “weather” at home is the most important thing, and everything else, as you know, is vanity.
Life is full of stresses that we can manage in a controlled way: they lead to personal development. We are looking for how to get out of the challenge situation, and our efforts lead to results. The chain "challenge - reaction - result" is an integral part of development. According to the physiologist Dmitry Zhukov, uncontrolled stress is detrimental to a person, which has three signs: it cannot be predicted, it cannot be avoided, and it is impossible to adapt to it. In other words, the source of stress does not depend on you in any way and you cannot influence it, make it stop.
The first child can create a situation of uncontrollable stress for the mother. She has almost no effect on his cry. Colic, teething and tantrums of 2-3 years of age are practically not amenable to calming and control. When he wakes up and screams again is unknown and also uncontrollable.
We get a different chain: a challenge - a reaction - the absence of an adequate and lasting result - again a challenge - a reaction - again the absence of a result. This can lead to a reluctance to react (i.e. comfort the child). In scientific language, this state is called "learned helplessness." Its signs are apathy, anhedonia (lack of desire to enjoy the pleasures that are present), unwillingness to improve one's condition, cognitive decline, anxiety and fear.
Many recognize themselves by imagining the following picture: I really want to sleep, but I can’t sleep from anxiety, that the baby will wake up soon anyway, and again ... Or you are sitting on the couch and feel that you are not even able to get up and water the flowers, because “Why ? Every day is the same."
How to "cure" uncontrollable stress
The mother's body seeks to avoid depression and defends itself from uncontrolled stress itself. He shows "displaced activity" - he invents actions that, in principle, do not affect the cause of stress, but reduce the mother's anxiety. For example, you can fanatically wash the floor or wipe the shelves every day. For a very long time, until sterility, iron clothes. Pounce on food, especially sweets. You can invent some strange rituals, in the expediency of which you truly believe, although in a year you will laugh at it. But in a situation of uncontrollable stress, you needed it.
What biased activity are you showing? Is she neurotic? If it does not suit you, think about what useful distracting activities you can replace it with. When I caught myself "rubbing the floors" - I knew with my head that it was useless, but I could not help myself ... The problem went away when I started writing a book. The cleanliness of the floors again ceased to excite me more often than once a week.
Yes, rats, fish, and dogs experience uncontrollable stress, and they also have “displaced activity”. For example, if a tethered rat is electrocuted indiscriminately and has no control over the shocks, she will show symptoms of depression. However, if at this moment the rat is allowed to run around the cage or gnaw on a stick, there will be no symptoms of depression. They will also not be there if there is an opportunity to fight with relatives in the cage. In a situation of uncontrolled stress, a person will also increase tension and aggression towards others (for example, husband, mother-in-law). But you and I do not want to become like rats and we can consciously choose a different “displaced activity”.
The most reliable way for a person to overcome uncontrollable stress is to turn it into controllable. To do this, you need to consistently act on each of the three signs of NS. Your task is to remove at least one.
"Avoid": leaving someone for a while with the child. If it’s impossible, we influence “Predict” - to create a daily routine for ourselves and the child and clear rituals for food, walks and sleep. This makes the child's reactions more predictable. “Adapt”: improve maternal skills and replenish the arsenal of ways to calm the child. For example, I had insomnia from anxiety that the child would soon wake up. Then I took him to my bed. When he began to toss and turn, even before screaming, she would put a tit in her mouth. I won myself a good night's sleep. This is an example of the impact on the trait "adapt".
I am sure that this example will seem banal to many. Alas: if a woman, due to her youth, lack of education, lack of patterns of maternal behavior, does not know how to calm a child, she will also deal with uncontrolled stress, but in a different way. Her aggression may be directed against the child. A sign of "adapt" is to drink alcohol. The sign of "avoid" is to literally throw the child away. But teach a woman to handle uncontrollable stress safely and we'll have a healthy family. That is why mother support groups are needed.
Exercise: write down exactly what behavior of the child and when acts on you as uncontrollable stress. Write all possible safe actions for each of the three signs of uncontrollable stress in your case.
In order to maintain adequate self-esteem during a period of uncontrolled stress, it is important to ensure that you perform some kind of ritual every day. Example: Dinner for the husband must be ready and the floors must be washed.
My child regularly prevented me from doing household chores, and this exacerbated my sense of failure as a housewife. I felt much better when I managed to guarantee myself the cleanliness of the house. To do this, I had to put my rebel in a sling on her back, where she often fell asleep peacefully while washing the floor. I felt like I had “beaten” her and regained control of my own life.
The poet Alexander Pushkin did not hesitate to dedicate poems to his beloved “dove” Arina Rodionovna: “Friend of my harsh days, my decrepit dove! Alone in the wilderness of pine forests. You have been waiting for me for a long, long time .... ". The poem "Nanny" is considered one of Pushkin's best lyric poems. While his mother had fun at balls and received guests, the nanny sat with little Alexander on maternity leave - she read fairy tales to him, sang songs, rocked him in her arms, fed, walked. That is why the whole world knows Arina Rodionovna, and only Pushkinists know Pushkin's mother. Because a mother is the one who constantly takes care of the child and educates him.
Decree
Raising a child is hard work. As one of my acquaintances said, a decree is more than a job. If you think about it, that's the way it is. If in animals the period of early "childhood" is short, in humans it lasts much longer - up to 3 years. A baby is generally helpless - it requires constant attention and care. Mom feeds the child, changes his diaper, walk with him, clean, sing songs, play, go to the doctors, etc. Can all this activity be called a vacation? No, it's work!
Maternity syndrome
In psychotherapy there is such a term - maternity syndrome. Its signs are similar to the burnout syndrome, which occurs in representatives of professions of the “person-to-person” type: doctors, teachers, teachers, social workers, lawyers, psychologists, educators, salespeople, journalists, etc. . Emotional burnout is accompanied by fatigue, psychological and physical exhaustion, irritation, psychosomatic illnesses, sudden mood changes, and apathy.
How does emotional burnout occur? Take, for example, a doctor or a nurse. If they continue to work at the end of their working day - figuratively speaking, the doctor does not leave his white coat in the work cabinet, but takes it home - after a while he will not want to go to work, because he will be very tired. The same emotions are experienced by a woman, 24 hours a day taking care of a child. Note: not 8 working hours, but all 24! Of course, when the child is a year or two, it is easier to spend time with him. The child already sleeps soundly at night, a little - during the day, goes to the potty, eats on his own, plays. However, the very form of labor, its duration and monotony still cause exhaustion. There comes a time when a woman says: “That's it, I can't do it anymore! It's time for the holidays."
This is what emotional burnout looks like on maternity leave. Men, relatives should help their wife. As you know: take on some of the responsibilities of caring for a child. I'm not talking about 50% or 30% (someone has to earn money), but at least 10-15%. And it will be easier for her!
There are other ways of psychological and physical unloading. First of all - a banal rest: the child sleeps - the mother sleeps. Not ironing or cleaning. Another example: it happens that on a walk, a mother often joins in games with a child or often makes a remark to him: “do not go there, do not take that.” This also consumes energy, because we are talking about continuous emotional contact with the child. However, often children themselves can sort out relations with the outside world: give away a toy, make Easter cakes in the sandbox, draw on the pavement. A child (I note: like any adult) requires not only attachment, but also autonomy.
It also talks about frames. With their help, the child learns to contact the world, develops patience, understands what the rules are. But within the framework there must be freedom. The child can watch cartoons, however, for a while. He can play on the playground, but not run out of it onto the roadway, he can paint with paints, but not on the walls, but on paper. Awareness of some simple rules can add confidence to a woman, and hence emotional stability.
There is another way to unload the decree: ask for help from others - nannies, grandparents, girlfriends. Because it is better for the child: when there is an emotionally stable person nearby or a nervous, exhausted mother? The answer is obvious. True, there is one caveat here: if another person replaces the mother all day, for example, from 9 am to 7 pm, then this person will be the mother. And everything will work out, like Pushkin. As already noted, the mother is the object that constantly takes care of the child, cares. Therefore, if you have already hired a nanny, let her better be your assistant, and not replace you. These are two fundamental differences.
Scary word "garden"
Maternity leave in Ukraine lasts three years. In Europe, this period is much shorter - in Germany, for example, paid leave is 14 weeks, France - 16, Great Britain - 26. The French writer Pamela Druckerman in her book French Education, which was recently published in Ukraine, notes: in Paris, representatives of the middle class very often send their babies to a nursery from ... 8 months. Moreover, parents almost fight for a place in a nursery, which would be close to home and work five days a week. Why such a passionate desire to give the child to the garden so early? The answer is simple: parents are convinced that in this place their baby will learn to communicate with others, develop independence and receive care. But parents, while the child is in the garden, can work and have free time for themselves.
Of course, the quality of French nurseries is better than domestic ones, and being a teacher in them means having a well-paid job and an opportunity to make a career. At the same time, nurseries are funded by the government and are free of charge. In Ukraine, parents bring their children to the nursery after a year or even two. And even earlier, with the same “scoop”, when the decree lasted a year, the child was sent to the kindergarten even earlier.
Was it bad for the child? I think there can be no unequivocal answer here, since everyone has their own experience of being in the garden, communicating with peers and teachers. For example, I have a negative one, so I'm worried about sending my daughter to kindergarten. For other parents, on the contrary, it is positive: funny games, a lot of toys, kind nannies and aunts, teachers.
One thing is known: if a child, starting from infancy, receives enough care, attention and love, this is good for his psyche, the development of cognitive processes: attention, imagination, thinking, memory, motor skills. At the age of one, the child begins to walk and actively explores the world. The American psychologist Eric Erickson (the author of the theory of the psychosocial development of the child) argued that at this age the child can control his impulses for a while. Kindergarten can come in handy here. It is not only about the development of self-service skills, but also about the socialization of the child. On the other hand, before the age of 3, a child develops a basic security for the world. Therefore, it would be nice if the child was sent to kindergarten not at 8 months (when she still does not even walk or speak), but at 2.5-3 years. It turns out that there is no rule: either-or, there is - and - and.
Separation Fear
Some mothers will say: “Children often get sick in the garden, so it’s better to send the child to the kindergarten later.” This is true, but all children get sick, and not only in the garden, but also at home.
Another thing is when fantasy about illness is an unconscious psychological defense or resistance, and then a woman finds any reason not to part with her child. “How will I go to work? And who will sit with the small (small)? .... I will not be able to part with the child for a long time. I’m missing something,” some mothers say.
At this point it is worth mentioning another psychological term - confluence, emotional fusion with a child. Confluence is a healthy phenomenon, because only with its help the mother understands the needs of the child. However, if there is a lot of it, that is, if the mother is afraid to go with a friend for coffee or to the cinema because of fear of leaving the child for several hours, in this case we can talk about maternity syndrome. For the mother's fear is the satisfaction of his emotional need, for example, in ideality. As already noted, the child needs not only attachment, but also autonomy.
Therefore, when a woman nevertheless decides to go to work or send her child to kindergarten, this is good for everyone: her, the child, the family. A woman changes the situation, her life becomes diverse. Naturally, this process of separation is accompanied by anxiety. But once she survived him: when she gave birth to a child. If on maternity leave a woman managed to do all the housework in a day and was with a child, it is more difficult to cope with this when she goes to work. However, you can sit and be afraid, or you can overcome this state constructively.
Summing up what has been said, we can conclude: the decree is not only rest, but also hard work. First of all, it depends on the woman how it will be and what it will be associated with: joy or fatigue. Or maybe both, but there will be more optimism and pleasant memories.