Nearly all people experience resentment sooner or later in their lives. Someone quickly forgets about such an incident, while someone cannot forgive the offender for a long time. There are grievances that should not be forgiven. But there are no universal recommendations in this regard. Each person has boundaries beyond which he cannot forgive. At the same time, hardly anyone will deny that touchiness is a negative quality.
With a person who does not forgive anything, it is difficult to build relationships with others. In addition, a hidden resentment is always a heavy burden on a person’s shoulders. On one side of the scale there is always resentment, and on the other - the desire to improve relations. If we are talking about a person who you do not really need and is important, you can simply forget the offense. But when the relationship with him is of great importance to you, it is worth sorting out your feelings and trying to forgive. This will make building relationships much easier. Despite the fact that most often we are deeply offended precisely by people dear to us.
If you have been greatly offended by a person close to you, you need to sit down at the negotiating table. Understand what happened. This can sometimes be very difficult to do. But it is always worth remembering that the other person's view is completely different from yours. He may not know that he offended you. Try to understand the motives of the offender, why he did this to you. Was it the intention to harm you? Or was there an accident? Or maybe the offender is unaware of your feelings?
Why is resentment necessary?
Forgiveness is more necessary for those who have been offended. It is not always necessary to repent of the offender in order to let go of anger at him. Try to track why you hold a grudge against a person. It is not uncommon for a person to deliberately evoke feelings of guilt and manipulate the offender. It is unlikely that such a relationship can be called sincere.
There is another version of strong resentment: when a person holds it to himself. In this case, she destroys him from the inside, directs his life into the channel of self-destruction. After all, subconsciously, we wish the offender death.
Resentment is always a demand for a certain attitude or behavior towards oneself. To forgive, you need to figure out whether such a requirement is really adequate or is it just pride and pride.
Forgiveness of strong grievances always requires great psychological effort and time. But psychological comfort and calm at the moment of letting go of anger is always worth it. Do not hope that once you decide to forgive, the resentment will evaporate. It takes time to forgive a deep hurt. At the same time, the sooner you begin to deal with your feelings, the better. When resentment lives in the mind for a long time, over time it acquires more and more sinister features, and it becomes more and more difficult to forgive.
To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.
Resentment is a negatively colored emotion, which, if abused, makes our life hell. We begin to scroll in memory the situation or the words that caused the offense received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Grievances make us feel pain, anger, anger, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!
Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! Offended - we get a nasty mood, we deprive ourselves of health and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the stronger the destructive consequences of this feeling. We chose not to be offended - we make our lives happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative one, will be discussed in this article.
Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us pull these leashes at will? Do we like to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, it is easy to get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended), which society has hung on us. All you need is a desire and a little awareness.
In this article, we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will be freed from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of SILS, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that brings us resentment, especially heightened.
So, what does it mean to be offended? It means giving in to your base feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest unicellular organisms have a similar reaction, which always react in the same way to a stimulus. But after all, we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, to be offended is not something that is not impossible, no. Simply, this is not a logical action - after all, being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.
But with perseverance worthy of admiration, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, relatives and friends, our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our resentment, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...
… resentment - it is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything is repeated in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! Therefore, this article appeared, from which we will learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written just below, but for now, please, show a little patience, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits, then to strike a decisive blow. fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue our study of insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but invincibly approaching the achievement of this good goal.
Resentment in the soul and heart
The experience of resentment greatly depresses us. Worst of all, a person can carry a grudge through his whole life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget in any way do not allow us to live peacefully and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to scroll past events in our heads, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body again and again returns to that state when we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why make fun of yourself like that? All this is only due to the fact that we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, from the resentment in our heart. We can't let go, we can't forgive, we can't forget. So this nasty feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.
By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment for the whole world and the people around them individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our life. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we could not build happy family relationships: once we made a mistake with the choice and now we can only feel sorry for ourselves, so (s) offended (s) and offended (s). As a result, we live in the past and do not let the present into us, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.
The worst thing here is that constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. Grievances can be collected for a lifetime, and as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Grievances accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them go into oblivion, because resentment has long become part of us. And that is why it is so difficult to admit to ourselves that after too much time we have spent on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.
Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we comb ourselves and make them bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. What the hell is masochism?
“But the truth is behind us!” - we say to ourselves, that is why we feel offended and offended. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if we were really treated badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.
There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We are able to choose what to pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices, we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased touchiness, then be sure that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that resentment can become a part of this person forever.
Yes, they say that time heals grudges. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment, which is regularly fed, can forever remain in the heart and soul, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us from the inside, because of which the colors of life fade, and there are more and more reasons to be offended again and again. But life is not given to us for this at all! And, to be honest with ourselves, we would never wish ourselves such a fate. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!
How to stop being offended?
Friends, read below 8 reasons why you should not be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil in us. In no case do not scold yourself if you again fall into the hook of resentment. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when there are successes. It's so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty”, which means that in our life there will be much more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that's great! Ready?
1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obligated towards us to do what we think is right. Just think about it: do we all, without exception, fulfill the expectations of others? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, you should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.
2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, we should always remember the positive qualities of the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we focus on one unfortunate misdeed of this person, but we do not take into account all the good that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often inflate an elephant out of a fly, forgetting about everything else (good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is arranged in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because resentment destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.
And also, please, never forget that you quickly get used to the good. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that it will always be so. And this does not mean that other people should also show a good attitude towards us. It is optimal to take everything good not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice in such gifts with all my heart.
“Forget hurt, but never forget kindness” © Confucius
3) Nobody is eternal. The person we are offended with today may not be tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, in no case should you be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. For then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones are suddenly gone. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear care came from them. Even if they sometimes went too far, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this is from great love for us. Please, friends, do not let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time for resentment!
4) Take responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our life is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who tries to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender can reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.
By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: "Smart people do not take offense, but draw conclusions." For example, your friend who missed a meeting and didn't even call back could do so for several reasons. First, something might have happened to her. Secondly, the circumstances could be such that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe you are simply indifferent to her. In none of these three cases does it make sense to be offended. And in the latter it is worth drawing a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.
8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, do you know about, which says that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we let negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will sink even deeper into this swamp. The experienced feeling of resentment serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment in the soul, the more likely it is that our life will be painted in black tones. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we meet in the outside. Stop being offended, friends. It is time to go to your goal, to your dream, to your happiness, and resentment, you know, is not our helper here.
How to forgive an offense?
The main thing in the technique of forgiveness proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, to forgive and be free. Not just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end it becomes easy and joyful in the soul. So that a heavy burden falls from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries and regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:
I forgive you (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) because you ...
I forgive myself for what I...
Forgive me (substitute the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that ...
The meaning of this technique of forgiveness of offenses is as follows. Why forgive the offender, it is understandable and without explanation. Forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) is necessary because the world around us is a mirror image of our inner world. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, then we simply don’t want to be offended by someone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we have attracted grievances, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, you need to forgive yourself for the simple reason that, being offended by ourselves, we feel guilty, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations, when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.
It is optimal to perform forgiveness of insults before going to bed, during the night our subconscious mind will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We will not notice the work, but we will notice the result. Resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If resentment remains, then it should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will be easy and simple. We only need to give the installation to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.
Friends, after one or several applications of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and we become more peaceful in our lives. You will stop thinking about it quite naturally and without any violence against yourself: the insult that previously seemed so important will no longer evoke any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” henceforth no henceforth will not stand before you. And from this it is so good and calm!
Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to recognize that everything we receive, including resentment, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength in ourselves to subdue our pride and sense of self-importance, then further is a matter of technology.
CONCLUSION
“They carry water on the offended” (c) Russian people
Dear readers of the Healthy Lifestyle, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the whole pointlessness of resentment and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have analyzed in detail today.
I hope guys that if you ever decide to be offended, then be sure to remember our advice. And make the right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prejudice, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us is perfect), then easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.
I would like to complete the article about resentment and methods of dealing with it with the words of Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Offended? Then print this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with an expression and a serious look:
“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to my nature if I do not like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important it is - my offense, let him receive it as a punishment for his "misconduct". After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t feel sorry for wasting its priceless time on resentment. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a moment of playfulness, I would rather give this minute to my resentment. And I don't care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I do not feel sorry for spending years of my life in resentment - because I do not value my life. I can't look at myself from the outside. I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it. I'm going to hang a sign on my forehead, "Watch out, angry dog," and just let someone try not to notice! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony - to laugh, a drop of generosity - not to notice, a drop of wisdom - not to be caught, a drop of love - to accept. I am a very, very important turkey!" © Osho
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Every person, from early childhood, is faced with a sense of resentment. For some people, resentment passes quickly, while others hold a grudge against their offender all their lives. Someone easily copes with any life situations and does not even pretend that he has experienced a feeling of resentment, while someone pouts at everyone, limits communication with people who have offended, is angry with himself, with his life, with the whole world around him .What is resentment?
Resentment is a bitter feeling that destroys, excites the soul, does not allow you to calm down, makes you constantly scroll through the mind of the situation that led to resentment, and offensive words sound in us and destroy life. Bitterness from resentment gnaws from the inside and does not allow to be freed from suffering.
Resentment causes irritation, anger, aggression, hostility and even hatred towards the person who insulted, humiliated, offended you. There is a desire to avenge the offense. And even when you feel that the offender is right, you still stubbornly continue to insist that you are right, trying to deceive everyone and even yourself.
Resentment arises when a person himself believes that he was treated wrongly, unfairly, caused him physical or mental pain, upset him, insulted him, laughed at him, denied him any request.
Moreover, he will experience a stronger sense of resentment from those people who are dear to him, close, than from random passers-by. After all, if a random passer-by called you, you will be indignant, but you will soon forget about this incident. And if this word flew out of the mouth of your friend or husband, then you will pout your lips for a long time, you will throw angry, annihilating glances at him, and you will not want to talk to him, punishing him for the offense, making him feel guilty, demanding apology and repentance from him .
But in fact, you are punishing yourself, because your mood has deteriorated from resentment, and digesting this situation again and again, your soul is in pain, you deny yourself communication with your loved one, you waste your energy on resentment, get irritated and nervous, worsening your health.
If you are constantly offended, for every reason, then resentment accumulates, there is a desire to take revenge on the offender, push him away from you, not see him or hear him. And even if your offender repents, asks you for forgiveness, and you continue to pretend to be a victim, stubbornly not wanting to talk or making scandals, then sooner or later you yourself will destroy your relationship with your grievances.
And if you understand that only you yourself are the author of the offense, that you yourself were offended, and the person you were offended by is not to blame, then it will be much easier for you to cope with the pain.
Why is resentment dangerous?
Let's draw conclusions, why is resentment dangerous? Firstly, it causes negative emotions and quarrels, leads to a break in relationships, to loneliness. After all, being offended, you push the offender away from you, not wanting to talk to him, and in response he will also hold a grudge against you.
Secondly, resentment worsens your mood, you are depressed, despondent, which in turn can lead to insomnia, depression and other serious diseases.
Why do people get offended
“After all, it’s very nice to be offended sometimes, isn’t it? And after all, a person knows that no one offended him, but that he himself invented an offense and lied for beauty, exaggerated himself in order to create a picture, attached himself to the word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, but still the very first offended, offended to the point of pleasantness, to a feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby comes to true enmity ... " Dostoevsky F.M. The Brothers Karamazov.
Often a person is offended in order to change his attitude towards himself, so that his relatives, friends, parents around him will take pity, caress, treat him with love and tenderness.
The same resentment appears in people when their expectations, hopes are not justified, the life that they created in their dreams does not coincide with reality. And close people do not do the things that are expected of them. And then a person is offended by everyone and the whole unjust world.
When people believe that they deserve more and that someone should give them more, there is a feeling of resentment against their parents, husband, wife, children, boss, government.
But every person is the master of his life, and he himself is responsible for the events that occur in his life, as well as for the insults that he created for himself, invented.
How to stop being offended
“Just as warm clothing protects against cold, so exposure protects against resentment. Multiply patience and peace of mind, and resentment, no matter how bitter, will not touch you.. Leonardo da Vinci
Resentment corrodes us from the inside, exhausts, depresses, and this harmful feeling must be got rid of. If you have a desire to get rid of resentment forever, you must learn one of the rules - Nobody in this world owes you anything.
You were waiting for your loved one to come to you with a large bouquet of roses, and instead of roses, he brought a large box of chocolates. Your expectations were not met, and you were offended, your mood deteriorated, you do not want to talk to him. But if you understand and remember that no one owes you anything, then it will be much easier for you to accept such a situation, and over time you will learn not to be offended over trifles. After all, you could tell your friend in advance that you want him to give you roses, and then your expectations would be fully justified, and there would be no reason for resentment.
Rule two - Everyone has their own opinion, which may differ from yours.
You thought that of the entire department you were the most advanced in your work, you grasped everything on the fly, and only you should be appointed the head of the department, because you work the longest and are competent in all matters. But the post of the head of the department went to your friend, who, in your opinion, neither knows how to lead, but also how to talk plainly. And you harbored a grudge against all your colleagues, the director, your friend.
You think he took your place, betrayed you. And resentment has overwhelmed you and does not give you rest, and thoughts of revenge are swarming in your head. In your opinion, your friend is not worthy of this post, and, according to the director, it is your friend who is able to lead the department. This is another of the rules that you need to learn and understand that you should not be offended if your opinion does not coincide with the opinion of the people around you.
It is also necessary to understand and assimilate that each person decides with whom and where to spend his free time.
Your best friend, with whom you were - do not spill water since kindergarten, went out of town for the weekend with her classmates. You just seethe with indignation: “How could she betray our friendship? She offended me, I will never forgive her."
But your girlfriend is not your property, and she has every right to decide with whom she is friends and with whom to spend her time, so it is pointless to be offended in such situations.
How to stop being offended when you are deliberately humiliated, called offensive words, teased, laughed at. If you react violently to these attacks, then they will systematically mock you in order to bring you to tears, to prove to everyone that you are a weak person. How to deal with resentment in such a situation?
Remember - a normal person will never tease and humiliate other people. So before you is a sick person, with a bad temper, but simply - a psycho. And, as everyone knows, there is such a rule - don't be offended by a fool . Learn to ignore the bad words addressed to you, to let them past your ears.
Is it worth it to be offended by criticism addressed to the truth that people say about you? After the parent-teacher meeting, your mother scolded you for bad grades, complained to you that you absolutely do not help around the house, that in your room, like in a pigsty, you can only stupidly sit and play at the computer. You were very offended, angry with your mother and ran away from home. If such situations arise in your life, consider whether the criticism against you is true or far-fetched by your offender, and whether it is worth responding to it with resentment. If you really got lazy, dropped out of school, and were scolded for bad behavior, then there is no point in being offended by the truth because it's all your own fault.
Try to figure out for yourself why it’s so easy to offend you, maybe the habit of being offended comes from childhood, and then it’s time to grow up, or maybe resentment is one of your bad habits that you urgently need to get rid of so as not to poison yourself and people’s lives around you. After all, resentment leads to misunderstanding, discord, to loneliness. Understand that being offended and carrying the pain of resentment in yourself, you, first of all, harm yourself, your health.
Why you need to forgive
“People of petty minds are sensitive to petty offenses; people of great intelligence notice everything and are not offended by anything. François de La Rochefoucauld
If the bitterness of resentment corrodes your soul, reeks of pain in your heart and all thoughts are fixated on resentment, then it's time to get rid of this resentment. The best cure for pain is forgiveness.
Having forgiven the offense, it becomes easy on the soul, and you are freed from the severity of the experiences that you carried in yourself. Having forgiven your offender, you again renew your relationship with the person you were sulky at, and without whom you felt bad.
Of course, there are situations when the offense hurt you very much, when it ruined your life, you lost something significant and you never want to see the offender, but you still need to forgive. Forgive him mentally in your soul, and you will find peace. Understand that there is nothing to return back, and it is pointless to continue to suffer and regret the past. You have to live in the present. To forget the insult, you need to forbid yourself to remember it, and throw it out of your head once and for all. This is a bad past, and everything bad needs to be disposed of. And if you yourself often offend people, and then suffer from feelings of guilt - just ask for forgiveness, even if you consider yourself right. You just need to say two simple words - “forgive me”, and there will be peace and tranquility in your heart.
Love yourself and the people around you, do not offend anyone and do not be offended yourself. Work on yourself, learn to understand yourself, in situations that led to a feeling of resentment. Try to find the reason and realize the futility of resentment. Forgive your offender and ask him for forgiveness, because he, too, may think that you offended him, wish him health, happiness and love. And the world around you will become kinder and brighter.
But the feeling of guilt, if it is true, and not neurotic, is a very important feeling. It allows you to see the boundaries of another person and respect them.
In our time, the expression is very fashionable: "You can not offend, you can only be offended." Perhaps it originally laid the meaning of human responsibility:
- whether to keep a grudge,
- let go
- how to react to the situation.
But in the end, this phrase sounds like it completely removes the blame from the offender. And then it turns out that we don’t have offenders-parents who beat their children, inflict psychological violence, or even bring them to death, there are no rapists, murderers, thieves, organizers of genocides ... Or rather, they, of course, exist, but are not responsible for their actions. Since this other side suddenly dares to be offended.
Am I exaggerating? Okay, so be it. But while working with preschool children of the 2000s, I noticed the following thing: children of 5-7 years old can determine all feelings, emotions, except for guilt. Children say: "The boy is saddened by something." Right? Of course you are right. But to the next question: “What can he be sad about?”, the answer follows: “Someone offended him” - “And what else can he be sad about?” - “Someone beat him, called him names, it’s not with him want to play... And it happens that sometimes no, no, and one voice will break through (usually girls): "He offended someone".
And if there is competition for roles in productions, everyone wants to play, then few people want to play Vanya from L. Tolstoy's story "The Bone".
And this is what comes out of all this: we do not have a golden mean in education. In Soviet times, neurotic guilt was evoked for many children. The image of a mother who sent a small child alone through the fields at night, stealing cucumbers, was an example of proper education. And now, on the contrary, it is broadcast to children: you cannot offend anyone (except us, precious parents), they can only offend you. And so that you are not offended, as soon as they look askance, let's change. And better immediately in the forehead.
But the feeling of guilt, if it is true, and not neurotic, is a very important feeling. It allows you to see the boundaries of another person and respect them. It allows you to notice your bad deed and ask for forgiveness, correct what you have done, redeem (perform another good deed if it is no longer possible to correct).
You can say: yes, it's simple, it is difficult for children at 5-7 years old to define such a complex feeling as guilt.
And here it is not. I don't agree. A child of three years old can understand that he offended. Since the first separation had already taken place (the psychological umbilical cord with the mother had finally broken), the child began to feel separate. And he began to understand and study: where are his boundaries, and where are others.
True, he does this very bizarrely and far from everywhere, realizing his guilt.
So, for example, this is how my cousin Sasha (3 years 2 months) talks about the offense.
Sasha hit my daughter Arina. And he didn't want to apologize. Then they played. Arina decided to feed him soup for lunch. Sasha flatly refused. He came and began to play with toys on the carpet. Then he got tired, Arina began to call him: "Sasha, climb onto my bed." And this is what he replies: “No, Aiya (Arina), I offended you: I didn’t want to eat the soup.” The fact that he hit - it did not offend, but the fact that the soup refused to eat - offended. Here, of course, with regard to soup, the influence of parents and adults may also have an effect: when a child does not do as they want, adults can say: “You did not do as I want, you did not fulfill my request, I was offended.” It's a kind of manipulation. In my opinion, a person offends when he violates the boundaries of another. I say to Sasha: “Sasha, I think that you offended Arisha when you hit her, because she was very hurt, but when you didn’t eat the soup, you didn’t offend her, you DID NOT FEED YOURSELF.”
Thus, a three-year-old child already has an understanding that it is possible to offend, but often he still cannot decide: and what exactly, since the rapid assimilation of social norms takes place in the middle preschool age: 4-5 years. And by the age of 5-7, when there is a second separation from the parents (the child begins to reflect on his own), the childish spontaneity leaves, when the child can already consciously harm another, consciously deceive, the understanding that I CAN OFFEND, all the more so already.
Yes, differentiated self-esteem is normally formed by school, by the age of seven, when it comes to understanding that you are not the best in everything, you have both strengths and weaknesses. And this, of course, plays a role, but still a child of 5-6 years old can see and understand his unseemly actions.
Thus, our important task is to form in children an understanding, respect, both for their own boundaries and for the boundaries of other people. And so that the children understand that it is POSSIBLE, HOW TO OFFEND, AND TO BE OFFENDED!
Let me introduce you to an ancient, but still respected and revered family. Resentment- Slavic goddess of misfortune and misfortune. The black swan, which opposes the supreme light gods. Her mother Mara is the goddess of death, disease and anger, her father Koschey is the god of the underworld. Her sisters: Msta - the goddess of revenge and punishment, Zhelya - the goddess of pity, sorrow and crying, Karna - the goddess of sorrow and grief.
The rapid development of the external, technical and everyday aspects of human life gives rise to the illusion in us that we have already gone very far from our ancestors in the internal plan. It seems to us that we have become more civilized, wiser, nobler, more spiritual and more conscious. That we should be more human, understanding, accepting. After all, we have learned to forgive our enemies. And sometimes we even learned to forgive our loved ones.
However, with amazing tenacity, we continue to be offended by parents, children, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, loved ones, girlfriends, friends. For bosses and employees. On the neighbors in the entrance. Even on unfamiliar and completely unfamiliar people. And which of us has never succeeded not to be offended to fate? On the injustice of higher powers?
But, on the other hand: answer yourself honestly - which of us has never offended anyone? That is, to be more precise, which of us has never been offended by anyone?
So we still pay tribute to this cloud maiden of sorrow. We have to admit that resentment is an integral part of our life. Why do we diligently want to get rid of it? Is it possible to completely stop being offended? And how is that: not to be offended? How does a person who is not offended feel? How does he live?
In the last article, we looked at ways to quickly overcoming resentment. This time we will go deeper and find out what are the roots of resentment and whether it is possible to live without resentment.
Navigation on the article «Resentment. What is resentment. Rules that change lives: what to do in order not to be offended
Feelings of resentment: sentence or choice?
Here we are faced with some confusion of concepts.
Resentment- this, on the one hand, is a certain fact or situation that led to negative consequences for you. With another, resentment It is a feeling, an emotional reaction to a situation. And then there is resentment as a behavior - our actions due to the situation and our own emotional reaction.
Explanatory dictionaries write like this: “Insult is an insult, grief caused to someone unfairly, undeservedly, as well as the feeling caused by this.” By the way, I propose to think: how, in your opinion, are there disappointments and insults caused “fairly and deservedly”? Interestingly, in ancient Russia, resentment is also the name (definition) of a crime: causing moral or material harm to a specific person.
So, if we are talking about how to “live without resentment”, then I propose to agree that we are not talking about living without situations of resentment. It's just not possible. Interests of people too often intersect, sometimes they even exclude each other.
People, trying to satisfy their needs and desires, voluntarily or involuntarily, consciously or not, intentionally or “not knowing what they are doing”, step on each other’s borders, causing grief, insult, and resentment. And the one to whom this grief is inflicted may well consider it undeserved and unfair.
In transport, they stepped on my foot. The saleswoman was rude. Management didn't get promoted. The wife danced with another. The guy spends all his evenings on the computer. The husband does not give flowers. Teenage son does not help around the house. The grown daughter calls once a month. The father did not write in the will. My friend didn't invite me to my birthday party. Employees throw in extra work. The list of hurtful situations is huge, as are the variants of human relationships in which they can arise.
But you, of course, noticed: someone in these situations will have a feeling of resentment, while someone will not, they know how not to be offended. And the intensity of this feeling will be different: for someone it is stronger, for someone it is weaker, for someone it is barely expressed at all. And the shades of experiences are also different: anger, rage, annoyance, sadness, anger, fear, shame, disgust.
We cannot avoid hurtful situations. Then let's see what an emotional reaction consists of - a feeling of resentment. And here I propose to make some conceptual revolution.
Resentment is not a feeling. it 
thought. Or a few thoughts, the essence of which can be reduced to the following:
- "It's not fair!"
- "It is not right!"
- "He/She/They/World/God/Fate is wrong!"
- “He/She/They/World/God/Fate has no right to do this!”
- "This shouldn't be!"
And all these thoughts are united under the slogan "He / She / They / The World / God / Fate is to blame for this!"
These thoughts are accompanied by a whole range of emotional experiences that make up what we call "resentment." Namely:
- irritation / anger / anger / rage at the offender
- annoyance/anger/anger/rage at self
- irritation / anger / anger / rage at the world / fate
- sadness / sadness / a pity/ grief - in relation to oneself or one's desires, needs, expectations, relationships.
Now we come to the most basic point: how to change your attitude to the situation? Recall that your attitude depends on your rules of justice, on your opinion about how the world, people, relationships, yourself, etc. should be arranged.
Mindfulness instead of autopilot - a chance not to be led by resentment
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