This is a question most of us regularly ask. From early childhood, we were taught that it was not right to offend the people around us. But for some reason, it was rarely said that being offended by oneself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. It is up to you to remember the grievances or not, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.

Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?

By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quickly outgoing person. Despite this, some time ago I could scroll through my head for a very long time thoughts about the unfair treatment towards me. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.

Come to think of it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? why? and why? He didn't treat us the way we expected him to. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts that have been deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of the ugly act of another person, ultimately lead to inadequate, low self-esteem.

As a result - to malfunctions in the work of our nervous system, anger and a decrease in self-esteem. Well, then, usually, well-known sores, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments begin ... In general, everything that ingrained resentment towards other people leads to.

How to stop being offended and get rid of resentment?

By and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong towards you, acted somehow unfairly. In fact, this point of view is losing from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe” you something. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, and resentment sets in.

And of course, most often we don’t think about why a person treated us the way he did. You are wounded, you have been slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions cloud the mind. All this is quite a comfortable position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes we are treated ugly, and yes, sometimes those closest to us do it. It is bad news.

But there are also good ones. Do not forget that in your arsenal there are different options for perceiving the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person if your offender is just a bad person.

Unfortunately, for many, the most convenient option is to blame others for unfair treatment, changing one environment for another. This is the right of everyone, and I don’t think that an adult with such a pattern of behavior that has been established throughout his life is easy to induce to think that he himself is guilty of his disappointments.

But back to the question: how to stop being offended?”, remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of our loved ones, because our long grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and in the end, to loneliness. So right now, as you replay in your mind all those who did not do what you wanted to do to you, say to yourself: “Yes, it happened. And yes, I was uncomfortable. Now dive for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes, tell yourself: “That's it, enough insults!”

After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go from life, and your present is now only in your beautiful hands, from the very beginning, from scratch! Therefore, down with resentment and “offense” and forward to your beautiful life filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂

How to learn not to be offended by people?

Finally, I would like to give some simple but effective recommendations on how to be less offended.

Remember: being offended is not constructive. The offended person often goes into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
Go in for sports and lead a healthy lifestyle: in a fairly quick time, in this way you will significantly strengthen nervous system, which will smooth out such negative traits as irritability, resentment, insecurity, and so on.
Be realistic. Do not live in a world of illusions and high expectations. Often resentment begins when life abruptly brings you back from heaven to earth.

I hope that these simple tips will allow you to deal with resentment and continue your life. life path in harmony with oneself and with others. All the best! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂

To overcome the feeling of resentment associated with it. I strongly recommend that you read it before reading this one.

In a nutshell, let's remember what we were talking about. The wrong solutions are:

Hold a grudge
Cry to friends/family
Look for external solutions

Now, starting from an understanding of what cannot be done and why, you can start a conversation about what to do next.

How to deal with resentment after a breakup

From what I wrote in the first part of the article, a controversial story may develop. On the one hand, it is impossible to keep emotions in oneself, and on the other hand, it is also not recommended to pour out this negativity on other people.

Accordingly, we need an approach that would allow us to express and realize our emotions at the same time, and at the same time would not involve other people. The ideal solution, which is also advised by many psychologists in articles on this topic, is write down your emotions on paper. This is the first step.

Step 1: Write out your emotions

It is not necessary to take paper and a pen - a text editor will also work. In this work, you have several important tasks:

Describe in as much detail as possible your resentment from parting.
Describe possible reasons for your emotions
Describe all the decisions you made in connection with the breakup
Throw out any negativity (swearing is appropriate)
Write down any thoughts about the breakup that came up in the process of writing out the previous points.

Note that this is exactly what you do with your female friends when you meet them with the desire to console yourself with their company. You describe exactly what happened, describe your emotions, make some decisions, splash out any negativity, express any thoughts about it. If you find it difficult to write down all these things, imagine that you are in a circle of friends who are ready to support you in every possible way and justify your emotions. What will you tell them about how you feel?

The advantage of writing out your emotions, as opposed to shedding bitter tears to friends, is that such work forces you to be more aware. When you break the bones of someone in the company of friends, you - ready to bet - never Don't ask yourself, "Why am I feeling these emotions?"

At the same time, if you pay attention to the second point, you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out not only what is on your mind, but also your guesses about the cause of your emotions. It's okay if it's difficult at first - if you work seriously and systematically (more on that at the end of the article), then this skill - to recognize your emotions and the reasons for their occurrence - will be worked out automatically.

Well, let's say you made the decision to sit down at the computer and properly paint your emotions “on the shelves” - albeit clumsily. What to do next?

… you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out … the causes of your emotions.

There should have been Step 2, but we have to pause a little. Before proceeding to further actions, I have to ask you, dear reader, why are you here at all?

What does it mean to you to let go of resentment? Does this mean discarding the negative and moving on with your life, without fooling yourself because of a recent breakup? Or does this mean eliminating the resentment that has settled in the subconscious so that such episodes do not arise in the future?

If you choose the first, then you need advice on short term overcoming resentment. You just need to do something now so as not to suffer, and then life will get better on its own. If this is about you, then here it is, Step 2:

Step 2. Do Nothing

Everyone, congratulations! All necessary work has been done. You have already written out your negative emotions. You met with them face to face, which already prevented them from settling in the subconscious a little. You may even have learned something new about yourself. Not only that, you managed not to confuse anyone with your negativity, it's great!

Why is there nothing more to be done? Because if you are a mentally healthy person, your pain from resentment cannot be felt. sharply too long. Your mind will protect itself by “shoveling” your resentment deeper into the subconscious so that you can move on with your life. No wonder the wisdom says "Time heals" ...

Over time, the suffering from resentment will stop, and the pain of parting will subside. You will be able to live as you lived before, and maybe even better. You may find yourself a new partner - or maybe not. Howbeit, clearly you will not suffer from a recent breakup. In extreme cases, if it was so painful that it plunged you into the abyss of depression for six months, then in 10 years you will remember it with a pang, but no more. Even if so - as they remembered, they forgot. Life will provide you with plenty of opportunities to take your mind off your negative emotions.

Therefore, once again - a piece of paper and a pen in your hands, write out the negative, and there will be happiness.

Well, what if a person suddenly stumbled upon this article, who for some reason was dissatisfied with the advice above? What if it seems to him that anyway something is wrong here, and that the solution is inferior? What if there is a feeling that even if the resentment has subsided, it will definitely still appear? What if already fed up experience the same negative emotions from time to time, each time to be comforted by something, and then again get into situations where these emotions arise, again suffer from them, again be consoled, and so on?

If you are such a person, then I am sincerely glad, because in fact, my site is designed for people like you. Just for those who have already realized that you can’t get away from resentment. That she is like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason. And life will give you reasons to be offended! The only question is - how will you react to them?

Resentment ... like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason.

If your work on your resentment is limited to writing out emotions or comforting your circle of friends, you will never get rid of resentment. AT long-term period, she will definitely return.

But if you recognize this and see the need to systematically eliminate all your resentments and the causes of them, then you are ready to ensure that resentment is removed in long-term period. And to get rid of it, you need to work out. That is, simply saying something to do with it - not just writing out its reasons on a piece of paper. And working through not only one episode of resentment from one breakup is just the beginning.

Getting rid of the oppression of one painful episode of your life is still not enough to free yourself from resentment forever. Suppose a man is reading these lines now. Do you think your relationship with your mother as a child does not determine your relationship with women now? Also how it is determined. Do you think that the resentment that you may have felt from the first unrequited feelings (ah, school :) does not determine your reactions to the behavior of women now? Also how it is determined. And what about all your beliefs about women - can your emotional reactions be conditioned by them? For sure.

What am I getting at? Long-term deliverance from resentment involves a systematic study all their grievances, all their past emotional traumas, all their causes, all the negative emotions you experience all the decisions you made against the background of your grievances, all relationships that you had all beliefs about relationships that you have. In essence, you will have to shovel all the contents of your mind and massively eliminate from it all the causes of resentment. Only then will you truly be free of it.

Are you ready for this kind of work? If not, no big deal. Again, you have already dealt with the resentment of parting, and life will get better on its own, over time.

But if your decision to stop being a victim of your emotions has gained sufficient strength, and you are ready for a systematic work to eliminate all your resentments, and you want no more separations to bring you suffering, then the next step is to acquire a system for processing the contents of your mind. All those things two paragraphs above must be eliminated from the subconscious, and for this we need an appropriate system of work on ourselves.

Step 2.0 Arm yourself with an internal processing system

There are many such systems. But ours should have a number of parameters. She must be least:

Powerful, that is, it must work with all the contents of the subconscious at once. What good is it for us to work out one youthful insult if it is only one of the thousands that we have had in our lives. No, we need to work through everything at once.
Fast, that is, we are reluctant to delve into our minds for years, looking for the causes of grievances. We need to see tangible results within a few months.
Simple, that is, it should not require special knowledge and skills. So that it can be used not only by psychologists.
efficient, that is, the results should be felt. There should be a shift in the emotional background towards positive feelings, there should be less reaction to people, there should be less limiting beliefs that somehow negatively affect behavior, and so on.

Since my site is focused on people who are ready for systematic work, then I provide all the necessary tools to work on myself. The system of internal study that I am talking about is called Turbo-Gopher, and you can familiarize yourself with it on the Main page of the site, and you can also subscribe to the newsletter on the intricacies of its application in the form at the bottom of this page. I simply do not want to repeat myself here, so the article turned out to be rather big :).

Step 3. Work through

Is there an intention to eliminate garbage from the head? Is there a willingness to work? Do you have all the necessary tools for the job? Then forward and with the song. The best time to start changing is the present moment :).

Harmless totals

The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself what you want. If you want a short-term, quick, yet superficial solution to dealing with resentment after a breakup, I recommend that you go to Step 2. If you want a solution that is long-term and effective, but requires little systematic effort from you, then I advise you to go to Step 2.0. Whatever you choose will be fine, I promise :).

As the famous Sigmund Freud used to say, almost all of our problems, complexes and other troubles have their roots in childhood, that is, all this develops in childhood under the influence of various negative factors. Young children begin to get acquainted with the feeling of resentment somewhere from the age of two.

Until this age, babies may feel anger, but not resentment. Children often adopt this emotion from their elders and begin to manipulate adults with the help of their grievances. Together with you, we will figure out where grievances come from and how to compete with them?

This emotion arises when there is a situation of discrepancy between the expected behavior of a person and his real act. Thus, the feeling of resentment includes three aspects:

setting expectations;
observation of actions;
juxtaposition of aspirations and reality.

Simply put, we expect understanding from a partner or friend, some actions in our direction, but we do not tell him about it.

And we even ate and say that we firmly believe that a person will do exactly as we ask, regardless of their own desires and capabilities.

Of course, in a family and relationships, we all, without exception, expect love, respect, care. But, importantly, for some reason we are in no hurry to talk about our desires.

Moreover, we have a relationship model firmly in our head (based on the parental family or series and ladies' novels), not realizing that our partner may have a different relationship model in his mind.

But if you think about it, this model of behavior is fundamentally wrong! After all, no one owes anyone anything!

It is very stupid to devote your life to a person, forgetting about yourself. It just means that you don't value yourself, and you won't get anything out of the relationship. So it turns out that all our life we have been waiting for something from a person who, in principle, cannot give us this!

Resentment against loved ones

All worthwhile relationships have only one future - bright and beautiful. Everything good that we get in a relationship, we should appreciate as a gift.

It is not so easy to offend us to strangers, but it is very easy for a close person. After all, we do not expect anything from an outsider, and therefore we are not angry. But casually thrown rudeness or a caustic remark from a loved one hurts very much.

Roots of resentment

Undoubtedly, some deep emotional trauma always “sits” at the root of resentment. Often an inferiority complex is to blame. Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility - all this only complicates your relationships with loved ones.

This is the eternal expectation that you will suddenly be appreciated, that you will be helped to do something for you. When it doesn't, you get very upset.

You can of course hold other people responsible for your happiness and success. But then these people will always influence your mood and attitude. Your happiness is only in your hands, do not put it in the hands of others.

Is it necessary to fight it

Don't think that these are just big words. Internal grievances, like unhealed wounds, do not allow us to love and live life to the fullest, lead to diseases and even death.

Make a choice right now, once they forever take life into their own hands. Manage your resentment completely, do not let this emotion control you. It is like a poison that eats away at your being.

Being able to manage your emotions is an indisputable advantage of a person at any time. We have selected for you ten most effective practices for getting rid of this destructive emotion, exercising in which you will gradually cope with it.

Pull yourself together and never make serious decisions in a state of resentment. Know how to take control of your emotions.

Running and hitting back the offender is not the best option. Take his photograph, and if not, a soft toy or pillow. Imagining that this object is the offender who appeared before you - speak out to him.

Explain in detail what specifically touched you and did not suit you. This task will teach you to clearly and clearly indicate what you want and what you don’t want at all.

Take an object (a soft toy, for example) and imagine that your offender is in front of you. Express all your pain and bitterness through the physical impact on this subject. If you want to cry - feel free to shed tears!

If speaking out is a problem for you, just write a letter to the offender. Pour on paper what you think about the situation that hurts you. After passing this practice, the letter can be destroyed.

Learn to conduct a constructive dialogue, without unnecessary emotions and insults. In a conversation with the offender, you should not use "you-messages", but the "I-message" model. That is, do not tell the interlocutor: “You offended me!”. Tell the person who offended you: “I am very offended, your words (actions) upset me very much.”

After all, if a person is accused of something, he begins to defend himself. But if you say everything that you feel, perhaps the offender will be imbued and think about his behavior.

Put yourself in the place of the offender, perhaps he does this unconsciously. Or they just don't pay attention to their actions. It is even possible that this person has become accustomed to this behavior pattern since childhood.

Oddly enough, you can say "Thank you!" to your offender. After all, he revealed your weaknesses, and now you have something to work on.

It may sound silly, but you need to forgive yourself for being offended. Forgive yourself and it will get easier.

Try to understand once and for all that the actions of people, for the most part, are neither good nor bad.

Go over in your mind all your acquaintances and friends, are there people among them who are never offended? Why do you think they are so persistent? And the thing is that these people are very self-confident, their self-esteem is simply impenetrable for insults. These people are the masters of their lives, they do not depend on others, but rely only on themselves.

So how do you deal with resentment?

do not smack a fever - do not solve important issues in a state of anger;
if grievances are your regular guests, consider why this is happening. You may have self-esteem issues. Of course, you won't solve it in one day. But when you become more confident in yourself, the offenders around will decrease for sure;
do not accumulate resentment in yourself, because they can become the causes of diseases and disorders. Forgive the offense and live life to the fullest!

Wash the offense you have received not in blood, but in Lethe, the river of oblivion. Pythagoras

No matter for what reason you were insulted, it is best not to pay attention to the insult - after all, stupidity is rarely worthy of outrage, and anger is best punished with neglect.

Samuel Johnson

This feeling is familiar to everyone. Each of us, at least once in our lives, was offended by someone.

For one, resentment occupies almost all of his living space, while the other has learned to cope with resentment, rely more on himself, on his strength, and also control his desires.

So, what is resentment and who manages it?

Resentment is, of course, acute pain. It really hurts when you get hurt.

Pain from the fact that your expectations are not met, from the fact that you are not appreciated, from the fact that you have been undeservedly insulted or humiliated.

Resentment is the position of a small child who always lacks something and always has little attention, toys, significance.

Many people expect more from their friends, relatives, relatives, employees, management than they receive. And not getting this more from them, they begin to feel resentment.

Resentment, like everything else in this world, is controlled by some entity or force. In religion, resentment comes from the evil one (so called Satan). And this force that directs resentment knows all the tricks to hook a person to the most painful points.

The offended person may think of the offender: “Well, how could he? How could he know that this is so important to me and will cause me such pain? Why did he do it this way?

And the person who offended you, perhaps, did not even know anything, he was simply directed and controlled by this same force.

Resentment and guilt go hand in hand, so resentment is also an excellent tool for manipulating a person.

One is offended, the other feels guilty, sometimes without even understanding why, and out of guilt does everything they want from him.

Such a scheme can work for a lifetime, when there is an inner consent of both at a subconscious level.

And sometimes the second one gets bored, and he can leave the relationship if the partner does not change.

Another option is when resentment is used in order not to do something for others. If a person often, at the expense of his own interests, does a lot of things for others, then one day he accumulates irritation, anger, fatigue - and he begins to feel resentment.

“I do everything for you, but you don’t lift a finger for me.”

In this case, a person expects the same attitude towards himself.

But often we try to hide it even from ourselves, and try to convince ourselves and others that "I am disinterested, it's just pleasant for me."

And if after some time resentment surges over you - be indulgent with yourself, it means, in fact, “not just like that” - and this is a great reason to get to know yourself better and correct your behavior and relationships with people in the future.

But it hurts even more when someone tells you the truth: “You really are like that”, “And you really are like that”. Yes, he will not say it face to face, but in front of everyone. No, to say something quietly, more delicately. No. Right on the forehead! Right in front of everyone!

When we feel a sense of resentment, then instead of straining our inner strengths, and repel this blow that is causing us severe pain, inflicted by resentment, we not only accept it, but also begin to “pour salt” on the already painful wound.

We continue to hold a grudge in memory. We begin to scroll through the mental chain, we find ourselves in an endless mental cycle. We strain, invent what to say to him, how to answer. “Yes, how dare he. I am so good to him, and he is so bad to me. And if I told him this, if I explained everything, and so on.

But at this point, the thought usually breaks off, and everything went on, went in a new circle.

And no matter how much you tense up, do not try to be cool, calm, balanced, no matter how much you try to rationally overcome the offense, it still turns out that your thoughts are just walking in a vicious circle.

You take root in the thought that you have been undeservedly offended, and you begin to feel sorry for yourself: “Oh, how poor and unhappy I am, who would feel sorry for me, poor thing.”

When a feeling of resentment has taken possession of you, you need to understand that by scrolling through the mental chain, you are trying to find a way to destroy an already accomplished injustice.

It seems to many that the more diligently they suffer from resentment, the greater will be the reward for self-sacrifice. But there is no reward, and there will not be.

It’s just that your today’s resentment is a fight with the past, it has already happened, this is already history and there is no way to return to the past and change something, unless, of course, you have a time machine.

So, by entering into a struggle with the past, you simply fill yourself with negative experiences that make you suffer.

Resentment is the burning of oneself. Resentment is bitterness directed inside a person. A person who experiences a constant sense of resentment and does not know how to forgive is destroyed from the inside. If resentment lives in your soul, you will never be happy.

So why, knowing all this, and not wanting it, we continue to be offended? What to do when something happens that seems offensive to you? How to deal with feelings of resentment? How to stop being offended?

Resentment is an extra feeling that limits your freedom, prevents you from living and enjoying life.

How much time we spend irritating internal wounds and sorting out our past and present grievances.

So, when you realize that resentment leads to defeat and suffering, you yourself will want to dominate this emotional reaction.

In the end, it is your and only your feeling. And you decide when to stop it.

Sometimes the easy way works.- remember the feeling of self-respect, self-esteem: “Why should I be obliged to transfer control of myself into the hands of other people and allow me to control my mood?”

Is it nice to be in control? Sometimes only this fact is able to excite and cause a firm conviction: "I myself want to be the master of my fate and my emotions and I am not going to succumb to external provocations."

To get rid of resentment, you need to get rid of pride, from a sense of self-importance.

Make a rule for yourself:

“No one in the world owes me anything. I, and only I, am the smith of my own happiness, success and prosperity.”

And shifting all the responsibility for our fate to other people, we become too demanding of people, hang labels that are convenient for us, and then we begin to be surprised that our beliefs diverge from their views, the views that we ourselves invented. And we begin to take offense at it.

It happens that they deliberately try to evoke negative emotions in us, they deliberately try to offend or humiliate us. What to do in this case?

The best option is to ignore it. Turn on the thought - "I am my own master and I can manage my thoughts and emotions myself, I decide what and when to do and I am not going to fulfill someone's whims."

With a little training, and soon all remarks intended to offend you will cease to react, they will all turn into noise, like the noise of the wind or the sound of rain, which cannot cause you to feel offended. The dog barks, but the caravan moves on

Psychologists' advice

One way to get rid of resentment is to is to imagine the offender and mentally beat him.

After you have imagined this scene in detail, mentally restore all traces of beatings on the body of the offender and forgive him for the offense caused.

Grievances must be forgiven, since unforgiven grievances harm first of all the one who carries them in himself.

Resentments cause pain and irritation, spoil the mood, interfere with work, and, in the end, cause a variety of diseases.

Then you need to ask for forgiveness from the beaten offender and then forgive yourself.

And then the soul should become light and free.

To control the quality of the work done, imagine that you are hugging the person you just forgave.

If it is easy for you, and nothing interferes, then you did everything well, and if something prevents you from forgiving the offense, then you need to repeat the entire procedure from beginning to end.

Wash the offense you have received not in blood, but in Lethe, the river of oblivion. Pythagoras

If you have any questions, ask them