D carnegie how to influence people. Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People is considered one of Dale Carnegie's most famous books. Since its release in 1936, it has gone through many reprints, been translated into dozens of languages ​​and has helped millions of people.

This book can be called a collection practical advice and stories from life, skillfully supplemented by the author with quotes and experiences of his friends, acquaintances and students. Reading the book How to Win Friends and Influence People will be useful for anyone who seeks to improve their relationships with others, find friends and like-minded people and learn how to influence those with whom they communicate. The information presented in the work is effective both for everyday use in everyday life and for use in the professional field of activity.

Interesting fact: for ten years, the presented book was on the New York Times bestseller lists, and no work has yet been able to break this record.

About Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie- the world-famous American, teacher and writer, developer of his own concept of conflict-free and successful communication, one of the founders of the theory of communication, a person who translated the developments of psychologists of his era into practice, the founder of psychological courses on self-improvement, the basics of effective communication, speeches, etc. .

Among the organizations created by Carnegie, the Institute for Effective Public Speaking and Human Relations and the Dale Carnegie Training company (today it has international status, and its offices are open in more than 80 countries) deserve special attention. In addition, Dale Carnegie University operates in the city of St. Louis, where thousands of people are trained and certified.

Summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People

The book is presented with a preface, several introductory chapters, six parts each devoted to its own topic, a questionnaire and two small additional chapters - one for men, the other for women.

The preface talks about what a real book can give the reader in general, namely: it can lead out of a mental impasse, teach how to find friends, increase popularity and influence among people, increase, improve business qualities, etc.

From the introductory chapters, you will learn that this book was not written for sale, but even today remains one of the best-selling books in the world; that Dale Carnegie has trained more specialists in his practice than anyone else on the planet; about why after reading the first chapter you want to immediately take action; history life path the author himself, filled with many amazing events, and a lot of other entertaining things.

Now let's say a little about what chapters are in the book, and what can be learned from them.

• The first part is devoted to the basic techniques for approaching people.
• In the second part, you will learn about six ways to attract people to you.
• In the third part, the author will tell you about twelve ways to persuade people to his point of view.
• In Part 4, you'll learn nine ways to change people without hurting them.
• The fifth part tells about the letters.
• And from the final sixth part, you will learn about the seven rules for a happy family life.

If we try to summarize the material from each part, we can say that the first and second parts contain mainly communicative rules. The third, fourth and fifth parts are directed to human life. The sixth chapter, respectively, deals specifically with family life and the rules of conduct in it.

There is no point in listing all the recommendations and advice of Dale Carnegie. In addition, some of them appear several times throughout the book. In any case, it is better to read the book itself, and we, in turn, will simply highlight a few, in our opinion, the main author's thoughts.

The main ideas of the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

The first thing that can be said is that every time you communicate with a person, it is necessary to show sincere interest in his interests. Interrupting the interlocutor is not allowed in any case. Despite the fact that all this seems quite logical, very few people do it this way. The majority wants to show how significant they are, which is why they interrupt the interlocutor all the time and talk only about themselves. And it would be more correct to be interested in the life of a communication partner, and general phrases like “How are you?” are not suitable here. - you need to ask a person exactly what is important to him.

The second is criticism, more precisely, its absence. You should never, and even more so, humiliate them, show your superiority over them. If you behave in this way, you will never be respected and they will make fun of you and discuss you behind your back. If you adhere to this manner when communicating with a friend, you are not destined to become friends. If you take advantage of your position in the service, then your subordinates will cause hostility. When communicating with any person, it is best to admire his successes and make him feel his importance.

In third place (purely nominally, of course) is friendliness. For example, a huge number of "official" people (bosses, teachers, etc.) often behave as if it could not be possible for them to become friends with their subordinates or students. In return, they instantly break the distance, make gloomy faces, throw out caustic remarks and official phrases. In their eyes, one can immediately trace suspicion and distrust. It can be cited as an example that strangers almost never smile when you greet them. If you want to make interaction with others more efficient and pleasant, just be friendly - smile sincerely, call the interlocutor by name, express a desire to help in something, congratulate him on important holidays, etc.

And the fourth is sincerity. But you should know that you need to avoid hypocrisy, because dishonesty and tricks can always be felt. You must try to make changes in yourself, forcing yourself to notice the good in people, to admire them and what they achieve, the qualities that they possess. The fact is that each of us is often so absorbed in narcissism that we don’t even want to look at someone else. We must perceive the people around us, not as something taken for granted, but as a value that we cherish, respect and love.

Brief Summary

What we have said above is just a small part of the valuable priceless (sorry for the pun) material that is contained in Dale Carnegie's book How to Make Friends and Influence People. In fact, there are incomparably more all kinds of advice, recommendations and instructions for practical actions. Once again, it should be noted that all of them are supported by real facts and life examples.

We are sure that while reading, you will more than once catch yourself thinking about how many situations there were in life when, and for this it is not at all necessary to be a genius or perform ingenious manipulations. What could be easier, for example, than, having come to work or study, smile at everyone who is in the room and say hello, calling by name? Agree - there is nothing complicated in this ?!

But there are, of course, more serious recommendations to implement, for example, try not to argue, because. there are times when even the essence of the dispute does not go to any comparison with how this dispute can end. This also includes the rejection of censure and criticism - at first glance it seems simple, but in reality it is quite difficult not to criticize someone when they did something wrong or not in the way you see fit.

Think again what is better: to make the person with whom you communicate feel their importance for you and yourself, be confident in yourself and enjoy communicating with you, or use your usual demeanor - criticize, “poke nose”, apply “carrot and stick”, point to your place? We are all experienced people and adults, but in reality we sometimes behave like small children. But only a truly adult person can learn the most correct and productive communication.

How to win friends and influence people.

Preface.

Dale Carnegie, 1938

We present to readers the translation of the book by the famous American specialist D. Carnegie (November 24, 1888 - November 1, 1955).

Despite the fact that the book describes the experience of relationships between people under capitalism, it seems that many of the author's observations may be useful to our specialists. The book is also of interest because there is still not enough domestic literature on the relationship between leaders, as well as between leaders and subordinates.

This book will give you the most valuable skills :

1. Get you out of a mental dead end, give you new thoughts, new dreams, new goals.

2. Give you the ability to easily and quickly make friends.

3. Raise your popularity.

4. Help you win people over to your point of view.

5. Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get your way.

6. Will give you the ability to attract new customers, new customers.

7. Increase your ability to earn.

8. Improve your business qualities.

9. Helps you to contain dissatisfaction, avoid disputes, maintain an even and kind relationship with people.

10. Makes you a more skillful speaker, a more interesting conversationalist.

11. Teach you to easily and freely apply the principles of psychology in daily communication with people.

12. Help you raise business enthusiasm among your employees.

The book that sells the fastest of all books in the world.

This book was not written for sale, but it is very curious that today it is out of print faster than any other book in the world. Dale Carnegie wrote this book for adults applying to study at the Dale Carnegie Institute for Public Speaking and Human Relations. In the first eight months of its publication alone, more than half a million copies were sold. Thousands of letters poured in from readers with messages such as: "I bought two more copies for my boys," or "Send me a dozen copies of your book so that I can sell some unwanted goods as a 'compulsory assortment' to it."

Hundreds of large organizations purchased large quantities of this book in bulk for their employees. Hundreds of pastors have used the contents of this book in their sermons: in Sunday schools this book was taught chapter by chapter in the classroom.

Why? Because there was a general need for it. Everyone wants to have more friends, more influence and more luck.

This book helps people do just that. A prominent newspaper columnist wrote: "This book has a profound influence on the thinking and action of our generation."

We hope that when you open this volume, you will find not only a fascinating new book, but also a new path to a richer, more fulfilling life.

The sole purpose of this book is to help you solve the biggest problem you face - the problem of your prosperity and your influence on people in everyday affairs and relationships with people.

Recently, a study was conducted by the University of Chicago and the American Adult Education Association to find out exactly what adults want to learn. This study required two years of work and cost $25,000. As a result, it was found that after the problem of maintaining health, adults are most interested in information about how to understand people, how to succeed in society, how to win over people and how to persuade them to their own view of things.

The commission that conducted this study came to the conclusion that it is necessary to organize educational courses of this profile for adults. However, the most careful search for a book that could be recommended as a practical guide for such courses did not yield any results.

Finally such a book was written by a man qualified enough to write it. It is a one-of-a-kind, immediately usable work guide for both business and social leadership.

How to Win Friends and Influence People outlines a method that has proved remarkably successful in dealing with people: a method proven by more than twenty years of training and experience in business and professional alike. This book is the fruit of the author's experience in his Human Relations Laboratory, the only laboratory of its kind in the world.

“Compared to what we should be,” said the famous professor William James, brother of Henry James, the famous psychologist and writer, “we are only half awake. We use only a small part of our physical and mental resources. In other words, the human individual still lives without going beyond his minimum capabilities. He has a variety of abilities that are usually not used.

This book will help you discover and develop abilities that you do not find use for. It will teach you how to capitalize on these dormant and unproductive assets.

Why only Dale Carnegie could write such a book?

Dale Carnegie was the man big business people came to learn from him the art of self-control and the secrets to succeeding in human society. During his many years of teaching, he has taught more than 15,000 professionals and businessmen, more than anyone living on earth. Among these 15,000 there were some, now very famous people. Dale Carnegie's lectures proved to be so valuable in business terms that even large conservative corporations introduced this course of study into their offices.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is a direct result of Dale Carnegie's unique experience, the only practical guide ever written to help people deal with their daily relationship problems.

How and why this book was written.

This book is dedicated to a person who does not need to read it -

my unforgettable friend Homer Cray.

Over the past 35 years, American publishers have printed more than 5 million different books. Most of them were deadly boring and many didn't even pay off. “Many,” did I say? The president of one of the world's largest publishing houses recently admitted to me that his company, despite 75 years of publishing experience, is still losing money on seven out of eight books it publishes.

Why, then, did I have the audacity to write another book? And after I have written it, why should I pester you with advice to read it?

Fair question and I'll try to answer it. In trying to explain it more precisely, I will have to briefly repeat some of the facts that you have already read about in the preface by Lowell Thomas.

From 1912 to this day, I have taught courses in New York for businessmen and professionals of both sexes. At first these were only public speaking courses, courses whose sole purpose was to teach adults of a certain amount of experience to think and express their ideas with greater clarity and greater effect, both in business meetings and in front of society.

But gradually, after several years of study, it became clear to me that no matter how deeply these adults needed the art of oratory, even more they needed the art of living and getting along with people in their daily business and social contacts.

Gradually, I clearly realized that I myself needed such art.

Now, when I look back on the past years, I feel embarrassed and embarrassed for my own many mistakes, due to a lack of spiritual subtlety and understanding. How I wished that such a book would have been in my hands twenty years ago, what an invaluable help it would have been for me.

The ability to behave with people is probably the most important problem you face, especially if you are a business person. But this is also true if you are an architect, engineer, or just a housewife. A study conducted a few years ago for the advancement of teaching under the auspices of Carnegie uncovered the most important and significant fact, a fact subsequently confirmed by an additional study of the issue undertaken by the Carnegie Institute of Technology. This study found that even in such a technical field as engineering, about fifteen percent of the financial success achieved by specialists should be attributed to purely technical knowledge and about 85% to his skill in human engineering, due to his personal characteristics. and ability to lead people.

For many years I taught courses every season at the Philadelphia Engineering Club and also at the New York branch of the American Institute of Electrical Engineers. All in all, probably over 1,500 engineers have gone through my courses. They came to me after many years of experience and observation had led them to the ultimate conviction that in engineering it was not the one with the greatest engineering knowledge that was most valued. Such a specialist, who can only offer his technical abilities in engineering or accounting, can expect a salary of 25-50 dollars a week. There is always a demand for such specialists. But the person who has technical knowledge plus the talent to express his ideas, to take the lead in people and arouse their enthusiasm - this person is destined by fate for the most paid positions.

At the zenith of his life, John D. Rockefeller told Matthew K. Brush that the ability to communicate with people is as much a commodity bought for money as sugar or coffee. “I am ready to pay more for this skill,” said Rockefeller, “than for any other product in this world.”

Would you be kind enough to try to imagine that all the educational institutions in the country were determined to introduce a course for the development of the most highly valued ability in this world? But, if there is even one sensible course of lectures on this subject, which is given in even one single college in our country, then it escaped my attention, at least until the completion of this book.

The University of Chicago and the American Adult Education Association conducted a special study to determine what exactly adults want to learn. This study cost $25,000 and took two years to complete. The final part of this work was carried out in Merden, Connecticut. Merden was taken as a typical American city. Each adult resident of Merden was interviewed and answered 156 questions of the following nature: “What is your occupation or profession? Your education? How do you spend your free time? What is your income? Your hobby? Your dreams? Your problems? What subject was more interesting for you in your school years? etc.

As a result of this study, it was found that among the problems of interest to adults, health is in the first place, and people are in the second place. In the second problem, they are primarily interested in how to understand people and how to live in harmony with them, how to win over people and how to persuade them to their point of view.

The commission that conducted this study decided to organize courses in Merden that would satisfy these requests. The Commission undertook an exhaustive search for a practical guide that could be recommended as a textbook for these courses, but could not find anything suitable. In the end, they turned to one of the world's foremost authorities on adult education, asking if he knew of any book suitable for this purpose. “No,” he replied, “I know what kind of knowledge adults are looking for. But the book they need hasn't been written yet."

I know from experience that the statement was absolutely true, for I myself have been busy for a number of years in search of a practical guide to human relations.

Since no such book existed, I tried to write it myself so that I could use it as a teaching aid in my own courses. And here she is in front of you. I hope you enjoy it.

In preparation for this book, I read everything I could find on these subjects, from articles by Dorthy Dix, newspaper accounts of divorce proceedings, and the Parent's Journal to the writings of Professor Overstreet, Alfredar Adler, and William James. In addition to all this, I hired a specialist with research experience who spent a year and a half in various libraries to read everything that I could miss, wading through the dense thickets. scientific papers in psychology, immersed in hundreds of magazine articles, looking through countless biographies, trying to establish how great people of all times and peoples treated other people. We read the historical biographies of all the great men from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I estimate that we have read over a hundred biographies about Theodore Roosevelt alone. We decided to spare neither time nor expense so as not to miss a single valuable practical idea that in past centuries has ever been used by anyone to win friends and influence people.

I personally interviewed many successful people, including such as Marconi, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Susan D "Jung, Clark Gable, Mary Pickford and Martin Jackson, people who have achieved worldwide fame. During these interviews, I sought to understand the technique of human relations.

From all this material, I prepared a short story and called it "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I said short. It was short at first, but then it grew to the size of an hour and a half lecture. For many years, every season, I offered this story to the attention of the students of the Carnegie Institution in New York.

I gave them a lecture and urged them to immediately check the rules set forth in it in practice, in business and social relations, and then at the next class in the class I told about my experiments and the results achieved. Wasn't that an interesting homework assignment? These self-improving ladies and gentlemen were fascinated by the prospect of working in a new type of laboratory, the first and only laboratory of human relations that ever existed on earth.

This book was written in the usual sense of the word. It grew up as a child grows up, developed in this laboratory from experiments performed by thousands of adults.

A few years ago we started by printing a set of rules on a card no larger than a postcard. For the next season, we printed a card already wider, then a whole sheet, then a series of brochures of the same size and material format. And now, after fifteen years of experience and research, we have come to this book.

The rules we have outlined here are not pure theory or working hypotheses. They work like magic. It sounds incredible, but I have seen how the application of these principles has literally made a difference in the lives of many people.

Let me give you the following story to illustrate: A businessman with 314 employees joined our courses last season.

For many years he urged, scolded and reproved his employees, not wanting to know any measure or limits in this. Words of courtesy, encouragement or praise were alien to his lips. After learning the principles discussed in this book, this employer changed his philosophy of life dramatically. His institution is now imbued with a new spirit - the spirit of loyalty, enthusiasm and mutual understanding in work. 314 enemies turned into 314 friends. Proud of his success, he told the class: “Before, when I walked through the institution, no one greeted me. My employees hurriedly turned the other way as soon as they noticed my approach. Now they are all my friends, and even the watchman calls me by my first name.”

This employer now has more income and leisure, and, what is undoubtedly the most important, he has much more happiness both in his business and in his home.

Countless merchants, through the use of these principles, have greatly increased the sale of their wares. Many of them were able to open new bank accounts, which they had tried in vain in the past.

For administrative workers, this practice brought an increase in their authority and an increase in wages. One administrator in our courses said in the last training season that his salary increased to $5,000 a year, in large part because he began to apply the principles he learned in the courses. Another administrator, employed by the Philadelphia Gas Wars Company, was already slated for demotion due to his highly combative nature and inability to successfully lead people. Studying in our courses not only saved him from demotion, but on the contrary, brought him a promotion and an increase in salary, while he had already reached the age of 65. On countless occasions, wives of students attending graduation banquets have told me that their life together has become happier since the husbands began to apply the training recommended by us. People were often amazed at the speed and significance of the results they achieved. It all looked like magic. In some cases, they called me at home on Sundays because they felt unable to wait 48 hours before the next class to report their amazing achievements.

One of our students once became so excited after listening to lectures that he launched into a discussion with other students in his class that went on well after midnight. At three o'clock in the morning everyone went home. He was so shocked by the consciousness of his own mistakes, so inspired by the prospect of a new and much richer world of human relations that opened before him, that he was simply unable to sleep. He did not sleep all night long and all the next day until nightfall.

Who was he? A naive, poorly educated individual, ready for extraordinary outpourings about some idea that dawned on him? No. Far from it. He was a sophisticated, highly experienced art dealer, an influential man in his city, fluent in three languages ​​and graduated from two foreign universities.

At the time this book was being written, I received a letter from a German whose ancestors had served the Hohenzollern dynasty for several generations as professional soldiers. His letter, written aboard a transatlantic liner, speaks of the practical application of our principles, and in expressing the author's delight in this regard, he rises almost to religious oddity.

An arc man, a native New Yorker, a Harvard graduate, whose name is prominent in the Social Register, a rich man, the owner of a large carpet factory, said that he, thanks to our method of training, learned the art of influencing people better in fourteen weeks than in four years of college. Absurd? Fantastic? Funny? Of course, you have every right to give this statement any epithet you like. I am merely bringing to your attention, without any comment on my part, a statement made by a conservative and prosperous Harvard stud in public and addressed to a community of approximately 600 people assembled on the evening of Thursday, February 23, 1933, at the New York Yacht Hall. club.

“Compared to what we should be,” said the famous Harvard University professor William James, “we are only half awake. We use only a small part of our physical and mental resources. In other words, the human individual still lives without going beyond his minimum capabilities. He has a variety of abilities that are usually not used.

Abilities that you "usually don't find a use for"?! The sole purpose of this book is to help you discover, develop, and capitalize on these dormant and useless assets.

"Education," said Dr. John J. Gibben, former Chancellor of Princeton University, "is the ability to face life's situations."

If, after reading the first three chapters of this book, you do not feel that you have become a little better prepared to meet new life situations, then I will regard this work as a complete failure, as far as you are concerned.

For "the greatest aim of education," said Herbert Spencer, "is not knowledge, but action."

And this book is a book of action.

This introduction, like many others, has already taken too long. So, let's go and finally get to the heart of the matter.

Please open the first chapter immediately.

Dale Carnegie

President of the Dale Carnegie Institute for Public Speaking and Human Relations

Nine tips for getting the most out of this book.

1. If you want to get the most out of this book, consider one indispensable and most essential condition, infinitely more important than any rules and techniques. Without this basic condition, thousands of study rules will be of little use to you. If you make this major contribution, you can achieve wonderful results without even reading any advice on how to get the most out of the book.

What is this magical condition? Here it is: a deep, active desire to learn, a firm determination to improve your ability to deal with people.

How can you develop such a desire in yourself?

A constant reminder to yourself of how important these principles are to you.

Picture in your imagination that mastering them will help you in rapid advancement to a high position in society and to financial success.

Repeat to yourself over and over again: "My popularity, my luck and my income depend in no small measure on my art of dealing with people."

2. Read each chapter quickly to get a bird's-eye first impression of it. You will probably feel tempted at the same time, without slowing down, to take on the next one. Do not do that.

Unless you're reading for fun. But if you are reading to improve your skill with people, then go back and read this chapter carefully. In the end, it will save you time and bring you the desired results.

3. Stop often while reading to reflect on what you are reading. Ask yourself where and when exactly you can apply each of the suggested tips. This kind of reading will be much more useful than if you were rushing through the pages like a rabbit in pursuit.

4. Read with a red pencil, a pencil, or a fountain pen in your hand, and when you come across an idea that you think might benefit you, put a dash next to it. If it's a "four star" thought, underline each phrase or mark it with four crosses.

By marking and underlining, you make the book more interesting and easier to read quickly.

5. I know a man who for fifteen years served as a manager in a large insurance concern. Every month, he regularly reads all the insurance contacts published by his company. Yes, he reads the same contracts month after month, year after year. What for?

Then, that life experience taught him that only in this way can he keep the terms of these contracts in his memory.

I once spent nearly two years writing a book on the art of public speaking and found myself having to go back from time to time to remember what I had written in my own book. The speed with which we forget is amazing.

So, if you want to get real, long-term benefit from this book, don't imagine that it will be enough if you carefully skim the cream once. After you have read it carefully, you will need to set aside a few hours each month to review it again. Let it become your reference book. Look at her more often. Always remember that the richest opportunities for improvement are near you. Remember that the application of these principles can only become habitual and unconscious through a constant and vigorous combination of theory and practice. There is no other way.

6. Bernard Shaw once remarked: "If you teach a person something, he will never learn it." The show was right. Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. If you want to master the principles in this book, do something with them. Apply these rules whenever possible. If you do not do this, you will soon forget them. Only that knowledge is used, which is fixed in our minds.

You may find it difficult to apply these recommendations in all cases. I know this because, in the course of writing this book, I have seen many times that it is difficult to apply everything that I recommend. For example, when you are angry, it is much easier for you to criticize than to try to understand the other person's point of view. And many times easier to find a mistake than to find something worthy of praise. It is much more natural to talk about what you want than about what others want. As you read this book, remember that you are not only trying to gain information, but also to develop new character traits. Oh yes, you are trying to live in a new way. It will take time, perseverance and daily work.

So, often refer to these pages for advice. Look at this book as a working guide to human relations. Whenever you have to deal with such somewhat specific problems as raising children, the need to persuade your wife to your point of view on things or satisfy an irritated client, beware of acting impulsively.

This usually leads to errors. In this case, I advise you to turn to the pages of this book and review the paragraphs that you have underlined. Try new ways and see what wonderful results they bring to you.

7. Offer your wife, son, or one of your co-workers a dime or a dollar if they catch you violating a certain principle. Turn learning these rules into live game.

8. The president of a large bank once, in a conversation with one of my graduates, described the high efficiency of the system he used for self-improvement. This man did little in school, however, he is now America's most important financier, and he admitted that he owed his success most of all to the constant application of his homegrown system. That's what it is. I will state it in his own words, as far as my memory allows.

“For many years I have kept a book of meetings, which reflects my daily business contacts. My wife never makes any plans for me on Saturday evenings, because she knows that every Saturday evening I devote part of the evening to the process of introspection, review and evaluation of the week's work. After dinner, I go to my room, open my book and reflect on all the meetings, discussions and meetings that have taken place during the past week.

I ask myself: “What mistakes did I make during this time? What I have done right and what can be done better and how? What lesson can I take from this?

This weekly review has often driven me to despair. How many times I was struck by what gross mistakes I made. Of course, over the years, errors have become less common. Sometimes even now, after such a review, I am inclined to spank myself. This system of introspection and self-education, carried out by me for a number of years, has given me much more than anything else I have tried. She helped develop my abilities and make the right decisions, and was extremely helpful in my contacts with people. No matter how much I appreciate her, this assessment will not be too high for her.

Why not use this system to test your application of the principles discussed in this book? By doing so, you will win twice.

First, you will find yourself engrossed in the progress of self-education, which is both entertaining and rewarding.

Secondly, you will make sure that your ability to start and maintain relationships with people will grow and develop like an evergreen laurel tree.

9. At the end of this book you will find a diary in which you should record your triumphs in applying these principles. Be specific, include names, dates, results. Keeping such records will inspire you to greater efforts. And how touching they will seem when you stumble upon them by chance years later!

So, to benefit from this book:

1. Develop in yourself a deep, effective desire to master the principles of human relations.

2. Read each chapter again before moving on to the next.

3. As you read, stop to ask yourself how you can apply each of these suggestions.

4. Underline every significant thought.

5. Review this book every month.

6. Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this book as a working reference for solving your problems.

7. Make your learning a live game by offering a small cash prize to a loved one for every time they catch you violating one of these principles.

8. Write down every week the progress you have made.

Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what progress you have made, what lessons you can learn from this for the future.

9. Keep a diary of how and when you applied these principles.

Part I Basic techniques for approaching people.

Chapter 1. If you want to get honey, don't knock over the hive!

On May 7, 1931, New York witnessed the most sensational manhunt the old city had ever seen. After several weeks of chasing Crowley - "Two Guns" - a gangster and murderer who, by the way, did not drink or smoke, was hunted down and "covered" in his mistress's apartment on West End Avenue.

A hundred and fifty cops and detectives laid siege to his hideout on the top floor. Having made a hole in the roof, they tried to smoke the “copniller” with tear gas. Then they placed machine guns on the roofs of the surrounding houses, and for more than an hour one of the most beautiful quarters of New York resounded with the crackle of revolver shots and machine-gun bursts. Crowley fired continuously, crouched behind an overturned chair. Ten thousand excited spectators watched the course of the hunt. The streets of New York had never seen anything like it before.

When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner Melnway told the press that the desperate "Two Guns" was the most dangerous criminal in the history of New York. "He will kill," said the commissar, "not for a pinch of tobacco."

How did Crowley rate himself? This is known because while the police were shooting at his hideout, he was writing a letter addressed to "those it may concern." And the blood pouring from his wound left a crimson mark on the paper.

In this letter, Crowley wrote: "Under my jacket is a tired but good heart that will not harm anyone."

Shortly before this, Crowley had been assigned a love date on a country road from Long Island. Suddenly, a policeman came up to his car and said: "Show your rights." Without saying a word, Crowley drew his revolver and struck down the policeman with a hail of bullets. When he fell, Crowley jumped out of the car, snatched his revolver from the dying officer and fired another shot at the prostrate body. And this killer says: “Under my jacket is a tired, but kind heart that will not harm anyone.”

Crowley was sentenced to death in the electric chair. When he entered Sing Sing's death row, he didn't say, "That's what I got for killing people." No, he said, "That's what I get for protecting people."

In this story, it is noteworthy that Crowley's "Two Guns" considered himself innocent of anything. Is such self-esteem unusual among criminals? If you are inclined to think that this is the case, get acquainted with the following facts: “I have spent the best years of my life giving people incendiary pleasures and helping them have a good time, and all I get in return is insults to the existence of a downtrodden person. ". Al Capone said it. Yes, the same Al Capone, once the enemy of the American N1 society that ever terrorized Chicago. He does not condemn himself. He really looks at himself as a benefactor - a kind of unappreciated and misunderstood benefactor of society.

"The German" Schultz said the same thing before he writhed under the bullets of gangsters in New York. "German"-Schultz - one of the most famous New York "rats" - in an interview for the newspaper bluntly stated that he was a benefactor of society. And he believed it.

On this subject, I had an interesting correspondence with the head of Sing Sing prison. He claimed that the few criminals who sit in Sing Sing consider themselves bad people. They are exactly the same people as you and I, and they also reason and explain their actions. They can explain to you why they had to crack the safe or pull the trigger.

Most of them try to justify their anti-social actions even in their own eyes by means of arguments, confused or logical, thus coming to the firm conviction that they should not have been put in jail at all.

If Al Capone, "Two Guns" - Crowley, "German" - Schultz and other inveterate gentlemen who are behind the prison walls, do not blame themselves for anything, then what can be said about the people with whom we are in daily communication ?!

The late John Wenmaker once confessed: “Thirty years ago I realized that scolding was foolish to say the least, that I should worry about overcoming my own limitations, not worrying that God did not see fit to distribute the gift of understanding equally among all.”

Wenmaker learned this lesson early. Personally, I had to grope for a good third of a century in this dense world before the truth began to clear up before me that in 99 cases out of a hundred people do not condemn themselves in anything, no matter how right or wrong they are.

Criticism is useless, because it puts a person on the defensive and encourages him to look for an excuse for himself. Criticism is dangerous because it hurts a person's precious self-esteem, strikes at his idea of ​​his own worth, and arouses in him feelings of resentment and indignation.

In the old German army, a soldier was not allowed to file a complaint immediately after the incident that gave rise to it. He had to hold back the first feeling of resentment, “sleep” it or “cool down”. If he filed a complaint immediately on the day of the incident, he was punished. In everyday life, too, a similar law should be introduced for grouchy parents, grumpy wives, scolding employers and a whole army of obnoxious lovers of finding other people's mistakes.

In the pages of history you will find thousands of examples of the uselessness of overly harsh criticism. Take, for example, the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft - a quarrel that split the Republican Party and White House Woodrow Wilson entered, and a bright, courageous page was written in the world war that changed the course of history. Let's take a quick look at the events.

In 1908, leaving the White House, Theodore Roosevelt made Taft president, and he retired to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, his irritation knew no bounds. He accused Taft of conservatism and tried to secure himself as a candidate (for a third term), for which he formed the Bulls and Elks party, thereby almost destroying the Republican Party. As a result, in the last election, William Godfrey Taft and the Republican Party took the lead in only two states - Vermont and Utah - the most crushing defeat of the old party in history.

Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame himself?

Of course not. With tears in his eyes, Taft said, "I don't see how I could have done otherwise than I did." Who is to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? To be honest, I don't know, and I'm not trying to find out. My main goal is to show that all the criticism from Roosevelt did not convince Taft that he was to blame for the defeat. Its only result was that Taft tried to justify himself and repeated with tears in his eyes: “I don’t see how I could have done otherwise.”

Or take the Teepot Dome Oil scandal. Remember him? Newspaper hype around this case did not subside for several years. The whole country shook. Nothing like this has ever happened in American society in the memory of a living generation. The purely factual side of the matter is this: Albert Fall, the Home Secretary in Harding's cabinet, was instructed to lease to private firms the oil reserves of Elk Hill and Teepot Dome, previously reserved navy USA for future use.

Do you think that Minister Fall called for a public auction? No. He handed the tidbit contract to his friend Edward L. Doheny without hesitation. What did Doheny do? He handed it to Minister Fall, kindly calling it a loan of one hundred thousand dollars. Then Secretary Fall arbitrarily dispatched the United States Marine Corps to the area of ​​the reservation to drive off rivals whose nearby production would not deplete Elk Hill's oil reserves. Driven away with bayonets from their sites, competitors rushed to court, and the lid fell off the pot-bellied Teapot with the scandalous "tea" of one hundred million "dollars. A stench so disgusting that it vomited the whole country. The Harding administration was overthrown, the Republican Party was threatened with complete collapse, and Albert Fall landed behind bars. Fall was severely condemned, condemned as few public figures have ever been condemned.

Did he repent? In no case. A few years later, Hoover Herbert mentioned in a public speech that the death of President Gerding was the result of mental anguish and anguish, because he was betrayed by his friend.

On hearing this, Mrs. Fall jumped up from her chair and, shaking her fists, cried out in a sobbing voice: “Fall? What? Was Harding betrayed by Fall? Not!

My husband never betrayed. This whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the only one who was betrayed, sent to be slaughtered and crucified.”

Before you - human nature in action: the guilty will blame anyone, but not himself. We are all like that. So, if tomorrow you and I succumb to the temptation to criticize anyone, let's remember Al Capone, "Two Guns" - Crowley, Albert Fall. A Recognize the fact that criticism is like domestic pigeons. She always comes back.

We acknowledge the fact that the person whom we intend to rebuke and condemn will probably justify himself and condemn us, or, like the well-bred Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done otherwise than I did.”

On Saturday morning, April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln was dying in a small tenement house across from the Fordow Theater where Booth shot him.

Lincoln's large body lay stretched out diagonally on a rickety bed too short for him. Above the bed hung a cheap reproduction of the famous artist Rose Behner's Beautiful Horse, and a gas jet flickered with a dull light.

Standing by the bedside of the dying Secretary of War Stanton said, "Here lies the greatest ruler the world has ever seen."

What was the secret of Lincoln's success in dealing with people? I studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted three years entirely to the work on a book which I entitled The Unknown Lincoln. I was convinced that I should undertake as thorough and exhaustive a study of Lincoln's personality and private life as it was at all humanly possible. I specifically researched Lincoln's method of dealing with people. Did he allow himself the pleasure of criticizing others? Oh yeah! When he was still a young man in Nijin Creek Valley, Indiana, he not only criticized, but even wrote letters and poems ridiculing people, leaving them on back roads, in places where they could probably be found. One of these letters became the cause of bitter resentment for life.

Even after Lincoln became a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he openly attacked his opponents in letters published in newspapers. But this time he did it too insultingly. In the autumn of 1842, he futilely ridiculed a pugnacious politician named James Shields, an Irishman. Lincoln's libel was published as an anonymous letter in the Springfield Journal. The city erupted with laughter. Sensitive and proud, Shields seethed with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, jumped on a horse, galloped to Lincoln and challenged him to a duel. Lincoln didn't want to fight. He was generally against duels, but in this case he could not refuse and had to save his honor. He was given the right to choose weapons. Since he had very long arms and had received fencing lessons during his training at West Loyat, he chose a cavalry broadsword. The next day they met on a sandy knoll off the Mississippi, ready to fight to the death. At the last moment, the seconds managed to prevent the duel.

This was one of Lincoln's most painful personal incidents. It became for him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again does he write degrading letters. And he does not ridicule anyone and does not subject himself to personal criticism.

During the Civil War, Lincoln, one after another, changed the generals at the head of the Army of the Potomac McClelan, Peck, Burnside, Meade - and each of them, in turn, made a gross tragic mistake that plunged Lincoln into despair.

Half the nation (meaning northerners) angrily condemned mediocre generals, but Lincoln, "without malice towards anyone, with benevolence towards all," remained calm. One of his favorite expressions: "Judge not, lest you be judged."

And when Mrs. Lincoln and others sternly condemned the Southerners, Lincoln replied, "Don't condemn them, in similar circumstances we would be exactly the same."

If anyone had a right to be condemned, it certainly was Lincoln.

We give just one illustration.

Battle of Gettysburg during the first three days of July 1863.

On the night of July 4, when storm clouds burst into heavy rain and flooded the entire area, Li began to withdraw into southbound. Having reached the Potomac with his defeated army, Lee saw a surging river in front of him, forcing of which there was nothing to think of, and the army of the Union (northern states) behind him. Lee was trapped. He couldn't run away. And Lincoln saw it. It was a priceless opportunity, sent by heaven itself, to capture Li's army with one blow and end the war. Excited by the hope of such good fortune, Lincoln ordered Mead to attack Lee without calling a council of war. Lincoln telegraphed his order and, for the sake of persuasiveness, sent a special courier to Meade demanding the immediate start of hostilities.

And what did General Mead do? Quite the opposite of what he was ordered to do. Against Lincoln's orders, he called the War Council. He hesitated. He firmly refused to attack Lee. Eventually the water receded and Lee led his army across the Potomac.

Lincoln was furious. "What does it mean? he cried in a conversation with his son Robert. Great God! What does it mean! He was already in our power. It was only necessary to stretch out our hands and they are ours, but I could not move our army by any means. Under such circumstances, any general could have crushed Li. If I had been there, I could have captured him.”

Terribly annoyed, Lincoln sat down and wrote the following letter to Mead. It must be remembered that during this period of his life he was extremely moderate and restrained in his speech. And, therefore, the letter that came out of Lincoln's pen in 1863 was tantamount to a severe reprimand.

“My dear general, I do not believe that you are unable to appreciate the full extent of the misfortune that lies in Lee's flight. He was in our power, and we had to force him into an agreement with which, given our other recent successes, the war could end.

Now the war can drag on indefinitely. If you did not dare to attack Lee last Monday, when there was no risk in doing so, how can you do it on the other side of the river, where you can take no more than two-thirds of the forces at your disposal with you? It would be pointless to wait for this, and I do not now expect any great success from you.

Your golden opportunity is missed, and I am immensely upset by this.

What do you suppose Mead did when he read this letter? Meade never saw this message. Lincoln never sent it. It was found among Lincoln's papers after his death.

I assume - this is just a guess - that, after writing this letter, Lincoln looked out the window and said to himself: “Just a minute. Maybe you shouldn't be in a hurry. It's easy for me, sitting in the quiet of the White House, to send orders to Meade to lead the troops on the attack, and if I were near Gettysburg and saw as much blood as Mead saw in the last week, and so many groans and screams of the wounded and dying pierced my ears, maybe I wasn't too keen on the attack either. If I had such a timid nature as Mead, perhaps I would have acted exactly like him. Be that as it may, time has already passed. By sending this letter I will relieve my soul, but it will force Mida to look for excuses, force me to condemn. It will arouse a heavy feeling in him, interfere with his further use as a commander, and possibly force him to retire from the army.

So, as I said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he knew the hard way that sharp criticism and reprimands almost invariably end in nothing.

Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as president, faced some confusing problem, he usually turned and looked up at a large portrait of Lincoln. If he were in my place? How would he solve this problem?

The next time you feel tempted to hit someone on the first number, take a five dollar bill out of your pocket, look at the picture of Lincoln on it, and ask yourself, "What would Lincoln do in this situation?" Do you know any person whom you would like to change, fix, make better? If yes, then that's great. I am absolutely delighted. But why don't you start with yourself? Even from a purely selfish point of view, this is incomparably more profitable than trying to improve others and, by the way, much safer.

“When a man goes to war with himself,” said Browning, “he is already worth something.”

Self-improvement will probably take you until Christmas.

Then you can have a good rest during the holidays, and devote the new year to criticizing and correcting other people. But self-improvement comes first.

“Do not scold your neighbor for smog on his roof,” Confucius said, “when your own threshold has not been cleared.”

When I was still young and trying my best to impress people, I wrote a stupid letter to Richard Harding Davis, a writer who was at that time a prominent figure on the literary horizon of America.

I first learned about him from a magazine article and asked Davis to tell me about his methods of work. A few weeks earlier, I received a letter from a certain person that ended with the following expression: "Dictated, but not read." It made an irresistible impression on me. I thought that a writer should be important, busy and important. I had no significant occupation, but I was eager to impress Richard Harding Davis, and so I ended my short message with the words "Dictated but not read."

Davis didn't bother with a reply letter. He simply gave me back mine, writing at the bottom: "Your bad style can only be surpassed by your bad manners."

No doubt I made a mistake and may have deserved a reprimand. But as a human being, I was offended. And the resentment was so burning that when, ten years later, I read about the death of Richard Harding Davis, the only thought that flashed through my mind - to my shame I must admit - was the memory of the pain he had caused me.

If tomorrow we want to inflict an offense that can hurt for decades and last until death, we will allow ourselves to release the sting of criticism, but let's not assume, as we usually think, that we are just.

Let us remember when dealing with people that we communicate with illogical creatures, with emotional creatures, overgrown with prickly prejudices and driven by pride and vanity. Criticism is a dangerous game that can explode the powder keg of pride. Sometimes it happens that such an explosion hastens death. For example, General Leonard Wood was criticized and was not approved as the commander of an expeditionary army heading for France. This dealt a blow to his pride, probably shortening his life. Caustic criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists who enriched English literature, forever abandoned artistic creativity.

Criticism pushed the English poet Thomas Chatterton to suicide.

Benjamin Franklin, who was not distinguished by talent in his youth, became so diplomatic in dealing with people, so fair that he was appointed American ambassador to France. What is the secret of his success?

“I am not inclined to speak ill of anyone,” he said, “and about everyone I say all the good that I know about him.”

A fool can criticize, condemn and express dissatisfaction. And most fools do.

But in order to understand and forgive, it is necessary to master the character and develop self-control.

"A great man discovers his greatness," Cardale said, "by the way he treats little people."

Instead of judging people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to understand why they act this way and not otherwise. It is infinitely more profitable and interesting. This breeds mutual understanding, tolerance and generosity. "To understand everything - to forgive everything."

As Dr. Johnson said, "God himself does not judge a man until his days are over."

Why should we judge?

Chapter 2 The greatest secret of communication with people.

There is only one way under heaven to convince someone to do something. Have you ever thought about this? Yes, the only way is to make the other want to do it.

Remember, there is no other way.

Of course, you can make a person "want" to give you a watch by poking a revolver in the ribs. You can force an employee into a one-time act of obedience - before you turn your back on him - by threatening to fire him.

You can force the child to do what you want with a belt or threat.

But these crude methods have highly undesirable consequences.

The only way they can convince you to do anything is to offer you what you want.

And what do you want?

The famous doctor Sigmund Freud of Vienna, one of the most eminent psychologists of the twentieth century, says that everything you do comes from two motives: sexual attraction and the desire to be great.

Professor John Dewey, the most profound American philosopher, puts it a little differently. Dr. Dewey says that the deepest human desire is "the desire to be significant." It is very important. You will hear a lot about this in this book.

What do you want? Not so much. But the little that has become desirable for you, you desire passionately, with an insistence that does not allow the thought of refusal.

Almost all normal adults want:

1. Health and safety.

4. Money and what they buy.

5. Confidence in your future.

6. Sexual pleasure.

7. Well-being for your children.

8. Feelings of importance.

Almost all of these desires are gratified, all except one, as deep and important as the need for food and sleep, but it is rarely satisfied. Freud calls it "the desire to be great", and Dewey - "the desire to be significant".

Lincoln once began a letter by saying, "Everyone likes to be praised." William James said, "The deepest principle of human nature is the longing to be recognized for one's worth." Notice he didn't say "desire" or "strong desire." He said "longing desire".

This is the painful insatiable hunger of the human heart, and the rare person who satisfies it will own souls, and even "the gravedigger will regret the day of his death."

The need to feel important is one of the main differences between the human race and animals. For example, when I was a country boy, my father bred purebred Duroc-Jersey pigs and purebred white-faced cows. We used to exhibit our cows and pigs at country fairs and animal shows throughout the Midwest. Twenty times we won the first prize. My father attached prize blue ribbons to a long piece of white muslin, and when friends or visitors came to the house, he took it out. My father held one end and I held the other, and in this way we showed our blue ribbons to the guests.

The pigs were not interested in the ribbons they were awarded. But my father was interested. These prizes increased his sense of importance.

If our ancestors did not possess this fiery desire to feel their significance, civilization would not be possible. Without it, we would be like animals.

It was the desire to feel important that prompted the uneducated and needy grocery clerk to study the books on law found at the bottom of a barrel of household goods he bought for 50 cents. You've probably heard of this grocer's clerk. His name was Lincoln.

It was the desire to feel significant that inspired Dickens to create immortal novels. It inspired Sir Christopher Wren to create his symphony in stone. This desire led Rockefeller to save up millions he could never spend and to build a house far in excess of his needs by the richest man in your city.

This desire makes you dress in the latest fashion, drive the latest brand of car, and talk about how amazing your children are.

It is this desire that tempts many teenagers to become gangsters and thugs. “The current young criminal is obsessed with himself,” said Chief Police Commissioner of New York Mulroney, “and the first thing he asks for after his arrest is newspapers with sensational reports that make him a hero. The unpleasant prospect of landing in a "warm place" - in an electric chair - seems to him something distant and insignificant, while he devours his image with his eyes, sharing a place with portraits of "Baby Ruth", La Gradia, Einstein, Lindbergh, Toscanini or Roosevelt " .

If you can tell me what made you feel important, I will tell you who you are. It defines your character. This is your most important attribute. John D. Rockefeller, for example, felt more significant when he donated money to build a modern hospital in Beijing, caring for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and would never see. Dillinger, on the other hand, found his sense of importance in banditry, bank robbery and murder.

Once in Minnesota, when the police were chasing him, he burst into a drugstore and shouted: "I'm Dillinger!" He was proud to be humanity's number one enemy. "I won't touch you," he said.

The main difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they acquired their sense of importance. History is replete with curious stories of how famous people tried to acquire a sense of their significance. Even George Washington wanted to be titled "His Majesty the President of the United States." Columbus coveted the title of "Admiral of Ocean and President of India". Catherine the Great refused to open letters that did not say: "To Her Imperial Majesty."

Mrs. Lincoln, being the hostess of the White House, attacked Mrs. Grant like a tigress, crying out: "How dare you sit in my presence before I have suggested it to you!"

Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to Antarctica, on the condition that chains of icy mountains be named after them.

Victor Hugo harbored the hope, nothing more, nothing less, that Paris would be renamed in his honour. Even Shakespeare, the greatest of the great, tried to make his name shine by acquiring a coat of arms for his family.

Sometimes people pretend to be helpless patients in order to attract attention to themselves, and thereby gain a sense of their importance. Take Mrs. McKinley, for example. She enjoyed the feeling of being important by causing her husband, the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of state and sit motionless for four hours, leaning on her bed and cherishing her sleep. She quenched her thirst for increased attention by forcing him to stay with her when the dentist came to her, and once made a scene for him for leaving her alone with the dentist to spend an appointment with John Gray.

Mary Roberts Reinhardt once told me of a thriving, healthy young woman who pretended to be helpless and sick in order to feel important. One day this woman was forced, because of her age, to probably face the fact that she would never marry. The years of loneliness dragged on, leaving less and less hope for her expectations. She went to bed, and for ten years her old mother traveled with trays to and from the third floor, bringing her food. But one day, the old woman, exhausted by labor, fell ill and died. For several days the "sick" suffered from hunger, but then she got up, dressed and returned to normal life again.

Some authorities say that people can actually go insane in order to gain in crazy dreams a sense of their importance, the recognition of which they were denied in the cruel world of reality. In the United States, there are more mentally ill patients in hospitals than all other illnesses combined. If you are over fifteen years old and live in New York State, you have a one in twenty chance of being admitted to a mental institution in the next seven years of your life.

What is the reason for the madness?

No one can answer such broad questions. We know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, destroy brain cells and lead to insanity. About half of all mental illness can be due to physical causes such as brain damage, alcohol, toxins, and injury.

But the other half - and this is the terrible side of the story - the other half of the cases of insanity, obviously, in no way associated with organic damage to the brain tissue: in post-mortem examination, when their brain tissue is examined under a microscope, they are found to be as healthy as ours. with you.

Why are these people crazy?

I asked this question to the chief physician of one of the largest psychiatric hospitals. This scientist, who has received the highest honors and awards for the study of mental illness, told me bluntly that many people, having gone crazy, found in a crazy state a sense of their importance, which they were not able to acquire in the world of reality. Then he told me the following story:

“I currently have a patient whose marriage turned out to be a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual satisfaction, children, and social prestige. But life deceived her expectations, her husband did not love her.

He refused to even eat with her and forced her to serve food to a room on the top floor. She had no children, no position in society. She went crazy. In her imagination, she divorced her husband and reverted to her maiden name. She was now convinced that she had married an English aristocrat and insisted on being called Lady Smith. As for the children, she now imagined that she was giving birth to a child every night. Every time I call her, she tells me: "Doctor, my baby was born that night."

Life once crushed the ship of her hopes about the sharp stones of reality, but on the sunny, fantastic islands of madness, her barquentine under full sail with a fair wind singing in dreams, they safely arrived at the port of her desires.

Tragic? Right, I don't know. Her doctor told me, “If I could reach out to her and restore her health, I'm not sure I would. She is much happier in her current state."

In the mass, the insane are happier than we are. They solved all their problems.

They will gladly sign you a million dollar check or give you a letter of recommendation to the Aga Khan. In a fantasy world of their own making, they found the sense of self-importance they so passionately desired.

If some people are so hungry for a sense of significance that they really go crazy to get it, imagine what wonderful results we can achieve in relationships with people by sincerely recognizing their significance.

As far as I know history, only two people had an annual salary of one million dollars: Walter Chrysler and Charles Schwab.

Why did Andrew Carnegie pay Schwab a million dollars a year, or more than three thousand dollars a day? Why? Maybe because Schwab was a genius? No. Maybe because he knew more about steel production than others? Nonsense. Charles Schwab himself told me that many of his workers know much more about steelmaking than he does. Schwab said he was paid such high wages for his ability to lead people. I asked him how he did it. Here is his secret, in his own words, which should be immortalized in bronze and hung in every home and school, in every shop and office in the country - words that children should remember instead of wasting time memorizing conjugations Latin verbs or Brazil's annual rainfall, words that will transform our lives and minds if you only live by them:

End of free trial.

1. How to win friends and influence people.
2. Preface.
3. The book that sells the fastest of all books in the world.
4. Why only Dale Carnegie could write such a book?
5. The shortest path to fame.
6. How and why this book was written.
7. Nine tips for getting the most out of this book.
8. Part I. Basic techniques for approaching people.
9. Chapter 1. If you want to get honey, don't knock over the hive!
10. Chapter 2
11. Chapter 3
12. Part II. Six ways to get people to like you.
13. Chapter 1. Do this and you will be welcomed everywhere.
14. Chapter 2 good impression.
15. Chapter 3. If you do not do this, trouble is not far off.
16. Chapter 4. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist.
17. Chapter 5
18. Chapter 6
19. Summary: six ways to win over people.
20. Part III. Twenty ways to persuade people to your point of view.
21. Chapter 1
22. Chapter 2
23. Chapter 3
24. Chapter 4
25. Chapter 5
26. Chapter 6
27. Chapter 7
28. Chapter 8
29. Chapter 9
30. Chapter 10
31. Chapter 11 It makes the radio. Why don't you do it?
32. Chapter 12
33. Summary: twelve ways to convince your point of view.
34. Part IV. Nine ways to change a person without hurting him or arousing resentment.
35. Chapter 1. If you must point out a mistake to a person, start as follows.
36. Chapter 2
37. Chapter 3 Talk about your own mistakes first.
38. Chapter 4
39. Chapter 5
40. Chapter 6
41. Chapter 7
42. Chapter 8
43. Chapter 9
44. Summary: nine ways to change a person without hurting him or causing resentment.
45. Part V. Letters that work wonders.
46. Part VI. Seven rules for making your family life happier.
47. Chapter 1. How to dig your spouse's grave in the fastest possible way.
48. Chapter 2
49. Chapter 3
50. Chapter 4 Fast way make everyone happy.
51. Chapter 5. They mean so much to a woman.
52. Chapter 6
53. Chapter 7
54. Summary: seven rules to make your married life happier.
55. For husbands.
56. For wives.
57. Notes

Tom Butler-Bowdon

How to win friends and influence people. Dale Carnegie (review)

© Sokolova V.D., translation into Russian, 2013

© Tom Butler-Bowdon 2003. This edition published by arrangement with Nicholas Brealey Publishing and The Van Lear Agency

* * *

Be a miracle 50 lessons to help you do the impossible

Regina Brett's second book is a treasure trove of inspiring stories. Their heroes are ordinary people worthy of admiration. Each story has its own lesson. And together they make up a kind of textbook that gives an incentive to do good and see the miracle of change everywhere.

Freeing the mind: we begin to understand what is happening

If you take a decisive step out of the general order, you will find yourself outside the matrix. You will begin to do many things completely different from everyone else, and you will have something that others do not have. At first, what you will do will surprise you. Then you will begin to surprise, discourage and even annoy others. And then others, looking at what is happening to you, will take an example from you.

The power of positive thinking

Norman Vincent Peel was an outstanding public speaker, and his life's work continues to be led by the Peel Center in New York. In his book, he says that you can achieve whatever you want in life if you have faith.

Stephen Covey is an honorary doctor of several universities and was named one of the 25 most influential people in America by Time magazine.

True effectiveness is based on clarity (regarding one's principles, values ​​and ideas). Change becomes real only if it takes on the character of a habit.

How to gain confidence and strength in dealing with people

Everyone wants recognition and approval. If you can sincerely give it to people, you will have the key to influencing people. Les Giblin, author of the book, has worked on improving interpersonal skills in many of the largest American companies and hundreds of sales and marketing clubs, and his book The Art of Connecting with People became a bestseller.

How to win friends and influence people

“Instead of judging people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to understand why they act this way and not otherwise. It is infinitely more profitable and interesting. This breeds mutual understanding, tolerance and generosity.

"To understand everything - to forgive everything."

In a nutshell

Sincerely try to see the world through the eyes of another person. The gratitude that he will feel for you for this means that all your words will be really heard.

In a similar vein

Stephen Covey. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Norman Vincent Peel. The power of positive thinking

Dale Carnegie

Name of the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" makes you think about the sincerity of what is written in it. How many people are willing to boast that they "won" their friends and began to influence them for their own good? It doesn't sound very pretty.

To the modern reader, this book may seem like a kind of mental trick of the world living by the laws of the jungle, a counterfeit product distributed by a Depression-era merchant.

But don't be so quick to judge a book by its cover. To begin with, listen to some positions in her defense.

1. There is a striking discrepancy between the title of the book and its content. Upon careful reading, you can immediately understand that the book is not at all a manual on manipulating people, written in the spirit of Machiavelli's The Prince. Carnegie sincerely despises the desire to make friends for their own purposes: “If you are clearly trying to impress people and get them interested in you, you will never have true, sincere friends. Friends, true friends are not acquired in this way.”

End of introductory segment.

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Dale Carnegie is reading his book. Photo Associated Press

Very briefly: A well-known psychologist teaches how to properly communicate with people, make friends, win arguments and influence the thoughts and emotions of others.

If you want to make a good impression right away - smile

Smiling is the easiest way to say to a new acquaintance: "I like you and I'm very glad to meet you." Our actions and gestures speak about our attitude towards others more than words. We have a weakness for people who greet us with a smile. Noticing that a new acquaintance smiles at us, we automatically feel sympathy for him. Show your interlocutor that communication gives you pleasure, and you will make a good impression. Noticing that you are glad to see him, the person will reciprocate.

The connection between a good mood and a smile is not one-sided. A person who smiles often also has a positive effect on their own emotional state: by consciously forcing yourself to smile, you can put yourself in a good mood.

A smile costs nothing, but brings a lot of joy to all participants in communication.

If you want to please others, don't criticize them.

By criticizing a person and pointing out his mistakes, you will not force him to change his behavior and you will not teach him anything. The behavior of people is controlled primarily not by the mind, but by emotions. Even justified criticism does not produce the desired effect. The person will not listen to your words, because he will feel hurt. He will immediately rebuff criticism and find an excuse for himself.

Many successful people adhered to the principle of never openly expressing critical remarks.

Example. Benjamin Franklin claimed that the secret to his success was "not speaking ill of anyone."

Abraham Lincoln in his younger years often ridiculed his opponents until one day a man offended by him challenged him to a duel. And Lincoln stopped openly attacking others. During the Civil War, when many of his associates spoke sharply about the southerners, he said famous phrase: “Don't criticize them; under similar circumstances, we would be exactly the same.”

It is easy to judge others, but it takes a strong character to understand people and forgive their mistakes and imperfections. If you want to please others, try to understand their motives, accept their shortcomings, and make it a rule to never openly criticize them. This criticism will end up hurting you.

If you want to win people over, try to show your approval often.

The desire to achieve recognition of others is one of the strongest driving forces human behavior. We all like to be praised and celebrated for our accomplishments. The desire to receive high marks and praise drives people to conquer the highest mountains, write novels and create giant corporations.

The opportunity to be rewarded with praise is a much more powerful incentive than the threat of punishment for poor performance. Therefore, if you want to win someone's favor and willingness to render service, you must show yourself as a person grateful and generous with praise, and not prone to criticism.

Use simple phrases like "Thank you" or "Sorry" and learn to give sincere praise. Do not try to win over people with false flattery: they may see through your trick, and all efforts will be in vain.

To achieve sincerity, an appropriate mindset is needed. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that every person he met was superior in some way. We can always learn something from others and appreciate their positive aspects.

If you take those around you seriously and treat them with respect, then it will be easy for you to appreciate their work and give honest and sincere approval. In response, people will like you and will be happy to cooperate with you.

If you want to be an interesting conversationalist, show interest in others

People tend to be primarily interested in themselves, and therefore they are always pleased to meet a person who shares this interest. Listen more rather than talk, so you will give the impression of a pleasant and interesting interlocutor. Ask people questions about their favorite topics and give them the opportunity to talk from the heart.

To be interesting, you have to be interested. Give the person your full attention. Make a conscious effort to show that you are really interested in what he is talking about. Do not interrupt it and do not distract yourself.

Example. Sigmund Freud was excellent at showing his interlocutor how interesting he finds everything that he tells him about. In such a benevolent atmosphere, any constraint disappeared, and people freely shared their most secret experiences with the professor.

Anyone who talks too much about himself, does not know how to listen and constantly interrupts the interlocutor, causes hostility. Talking only about yourself is a sign of selfishness, it deprives you of attractiveness in the eyes of others.

To show your interlocutor your approval, talk about a topic that interests him

Everyone likes to talk about what is important to him. We like people who share our interests.

Example. Theodore Roosevelt, every time he had a conversation with a new acquaintance, carefully prepared for the meeting: he studied everything related to the interests of this person. He understood that the way to the heart of any person lies through the ability to talk about the things that are most valuable to him.

Benjamin Disraeli: "Talk to a man about himself and he will listen to you for hours."

When you first meet a person, try to find something in him that causes your admiration, and tell him about it. You can always find an attractive feature in any person.

Example. Dale Carnegie once wanted to please a bored postal clerk and remarked: “I wish I had hair like yours!”

The easiest way to learn to sincerely recognize the virtues of others is to follow the golden rule: "Treat people the way you want them to treat you."

People appreciate interlocutors who recognize their merits, remember their name and other details concerning them.

If you want to win over a person, demonstrate to him with enthusiasm how much you appreciate him. Show that you are sincerely interested in him and his story, and remember everything he told.

Be sure to remember names, birthdays, and other details. It takes some effort (you may have to take notes after every meeting with a person), but it pays off in the long run.

To win a person's favor, often call him by name. The sound of one's own name is pleasant to everyone. When you meet someone, remember their name and use that name a few times in conversation. The interlocutor will instantly feel sympathy for you.

Example. Theodore Roosevelt was loved by all his employees and servants - he always addressed everyone by name. He specifically set aside time to communicate with them, and tried to remember the details of the conversation. He showed people that he appreciated them, while getting much more in return.

Avoid Arguments - You Can't Win in an Argument

Nine times out of ten, the bickering ends up making both sides even more convinced that they are right.

Arguments do not lead to anything good. Whatever the outcome, your opponent will still not agree with you. On the contrary, he will despise you and your arguments. It's best not to get involved in the debate at all.

It is not necessary for both parties to be of the same mind. Critical analysis of your views from the position of the opponent will bring much more benefit. Don't force your ideas on him. Think carefully about the arguments of the other side instead of blindly rushing to defend your point of view.

If a dispute is necessary and inevitable, it is important to be able to maintain restraint and self-control. At the initial stage, the parties should not interact closely: let everyone think about the issue on their own. A personal meeting can only be scheduled after the acuteness of the first emotional reaction has passed.

Never tell a person that he is wrong - this will harden him

Telling a person that he is wrong, you are actually saying: "I'm smarter than you." And this is a direct blow to his self-esteem. The interlocutor will feel hurt and want to repay the same.

When you want to express an opposite opinion, do not use such categorical language as "It is clear that ..." or "Obviously, the matter is in ...". Even if you are sure that you are smarter than others, never show it.

An effective way to push a person to reconsider their views is to show modesty and readiness for dialogue: “Actually, I myself think differently, but I may be wrong. This happens to me often. Let's get back to the facts together."

Dress your disagreement in diplomatic forms. With a delicate approach, you can quickly convince your opponents, turning them into allies.

Example. Benjamin Franklin never entered into open confrontation with people. And he excluded the expressions: “of course” and “without a doubt” from his vocabulary, because he was convinced that they were too peremptory and reflected an inflexible mindset. Instead, he began to use the phrases "I believe" or "It seems to me."

If you are wrong, admit it immediately and decisively.

We all make mistakes and we need to learn to admit them. If you made a mistake and you know what will happen to you now - play ahead of the curve, seizing the opponent's initiative: quickly and decisively admit your own mistake. Effect: a second ago, the interlocutor intended to satisfy his pride by scolding you from the bottom of his heart, but as soon as you admitted your “guilt”, he will be generous and show indulgence.

Example. When a police officer caught Dale Carnegie walking his dog without a muzzle, Carnegie was the first to say he was remorseful and terribly sorry for his unforgivable offense. Under normal conditions, the officer would have reprimanded the offender with pleasure, but, having heard a hasty admission of guilt, he did the opposite: he accepted Carnegie's apology and released him without a fine.

It is much more pleasant to criticize oneself than to listen to accusations from the lips of others.

Public self-criticism allows you to win the support and respect of others: everyone can make excuses, and open recognition of their weaknesses and shortcomings requires willpower.

To convince the interlocutor, make him say “yes” to you as often as possible

If you want to convince a person of something, in no case do not show him your intention. Nobody likes to change their mind. Act indirectly.

Win the sympathy of the interlocutor by showing a friendly attitude, courtesy and patience. If you act aggressive and snooty, your opponent will stop listening and will want to kick back to defend his position.

Highlight your points of contact. Focus on the same goals. Do not express your opinion until you are sure that the interlocutor is confident in the commonality of your interests.

When a person sees the similarity of your goals, try to persuade him to your point of view. An effective way to achieve this is to make sure that the interlocutor agrees with you as often as possible. When building your argument, ask your opponent many small questions to which he will be forced to answer “yes”.

The Socratic method: the more affirmative answers you get during a conversation, the higher the likelihood that the interlocutor will also agree with your true position on this issue.

Using this method, it is possible to force a person to agree even with the statement against which he vehemently objected a few minutes ago.

The most important

To please others, smile, be a good listener and express your approval. Then people will treat you with great concern and willingly provide services.

How to immediately make a good impression and win over people?

• If you want to make a good impression right away, smile.
• If you want to please others, don't criticize them.
• If you want to win people's favor, try to express your approval often.

How to pass for an interesting and pleasant conversationalist?

• If you want to be an interesting conversationalist, show interest in others.
• To show your interlocutor your sympathy, speak on a topic that interests him.
• People appreciate interlocutors who recognize their merits, remember their name and other details concerning them.

How to avoid conflicts and persuade the interlocutor to your point of view?

• Avoid arguments - it is impossible to win in a dispute.
• Never tell a person that he is wrong - this will harden him.
• If you are wrong, admit it immediately and decisively.
• To convince the interlocutor, make him answer “yes” to you as often as possible.